RallyCuff

2005-04-25T11:01:00.000-04:00

Fuck it, now is as good a time as any:

I have officially MOVED this site over to typepad.com. The new URL is www.rallycuff.typepad.com/rallycuff, so if any of you who have my blog linked up could kindly switch the address that would be hella cool. Please keep in mind that the new Rallycuff isn't 100% finished yet, so if you don't see your blog on the blogroll over there even though it is on this blogroll over here, don't get pissed 'cause it's still a work in progress. Thanks everyone, and hasta la never, Blogger.

2005-04-23T10:08:00.000-04:00

First off, let me just say that I have nothing but disdain for the Devil Rays as a team, as a fanbase, as a franchise and as individual people, down to a man. Except for Sweet Lou.

Second: I hate, hate, hate Scott Kazmir. I want to stuff his little bitch ass into a tire and roll him down Vine St. wearing a swastika t-shirt with a bag of crack pinned to the front. I would love to run into this guy at that Golden Moment of Drunkeness when you're so fucked up but you feel so good that you'll try anything, cause I bet I could whip his ass. Seriously. I'm about six feet tall, I weigh like 200 lbs, and I don't fight fair. Hmmm...the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are coming to Cincinnati in July to play the Reds...

Third: I cannot stand to listen to overly self-congratulatory announcers, especially when they are announcing for really mediocre/piss-poor teams like the Rockies or, say, the Devil Rays. I mean, Michael Kay is bad enough, but at least the Yankees have like, a winning history and the ever-present threat of being sent to the gulag by Czar Steinbrenner to back up his shameless dick suckery. But the Devil Rays? Did anyone get to see those guys? They have two of the worst toupees in the history of mankind, and if I have to hear anything else about how "electric" Scott Kazmir's stuff is or how great that wife-beating mongoloid Julio Lugo is I'm going to break something. You announce for the fucking DEVIL RAYS. Didn't you guys just have your first season not in last place or something? Or maybe it was your first season playing .300+ baseball, I can't remember. In any case, go fuck yourselves.

Fourth: What is up with the homeplate umpires the Sox have been getting lately? Last night the strike zone was apparently about the same size and shape as the outline of a Cadillac Catera if one were to park it a shade to the left of home plate. Not to mention that every close call was pretty much going to the D-Bags.

Fifth: "Boots" Bellhorn is trying my patience.

Sixth: Matt Mantei...wow...all I can say is that I hope he caught Varitek's cold from one of the mound visits his shoddy pitching necessitated.

Seventh: The Sox battled back against the D-Bags' "bullpen" to tie the score at 4 in the ninth inning, only to have Alan Embree come out in the bottom of the ninth and give up a walk-off home run on like the first pitch he threw, which is also known as "Pulling a Vazquez." Last night's game was like having your girlfriend over after school while your parents aren't home, but by the time you get her to make out with you it's like 5:00 and your dad is due home at any time and you end up getting half a handjob because right when shit is starting to get good you hear the car door slam in the driveway.

2005-04-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

Clement pitched 8 scoreless innings for the Red Sox last night with 7 strikeouts, 8 hits and only 1 walk, which in itself is a victory of sorts for Clement. Kevin Millar doubled in the second inning and was later driven in by an RBI single from Ramon Vazquez (replacing the ailing Bill Mueller,) and that was the only run of the entire ballgame. I have to say that I'd never expect a game between the Sox and O's to turn into a pitcher's duel, since it seems like one or both teams always manages to put quite a few runs on the board, yet pitcher's duel it was.

Clement looked sharp. He's got so much movement on his stuff that it doesn't always hit the spot exactly where Varitek sets up his glove, but last night I thought his location was excellent. Which is probably why he only managed to walk one batter. Clement's opponent, Rodrigo Lopez, is usually one who gives the Sox starting lineup fits and last night was no different, although personally I think he had a little help from the homeplate umpire. Bob Welke's strike zone seemed to be about as consistent as a crackhead showing up to a day job, and it seemed to hurt the Sox more often than it hurt the Orioles. Manny and Ortiz were called out in consecutive at-bats on balls that appeared to be - at least from my comfortable view from my pillow - obviously outside the strike zone. Then Welke would turn around and call the same pitch a ball and cause Lopez to walk somebody. It was fucking retarded. But the Sox prevailed. I like to watch Clement pitch, but he is soooooo slow. He's slower than a drugged sloth tied to a glacier.

Manny was still in the lineup last night despite complaining of a sore left quad. What is it with this dude and his legs? Aren't they supposed to do like, workout programs over the off-season and like, stretching stuff before games to keep this sort of shit from happening? I mean, Manny complains about his legs every year. Usually around the All-Star Break, but I'm not trying to insinuate anything. Perhaps Manny would like to hire me as a volunteer leg rubber. No payment neccessary - believe me, the pleasure is all mine. Bill Mueller and Captain Tek both have colds, Mueller's bad enough to earn him a night off. And I've heard that Wade Miller is doing great in the minors and could be on the mound for the Red Sox as early as May 3rd. I can't wait to see what this cat can do. Only question is - who goes to the bullpen? Wakey or Arroyo? That's a tough one.

And please allow me to mention once more my imminent move over to Typepad.com. From this point on I will be posting every day in both locations until I finally get the balls to switch over. Feel free to visit the new RallyCuff and let me know what you think, even though it really won't change anything because I'm still going to move away from the acursed Blogger anyway.

2005-04-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

David Wells pitched eight innings of three-hit baseball last night against the hottest team in the majors, the Baltimore Orioles. This was very heartening for me, as I was kind of starting to second guess the wisdom of Theo's choice...but watching Boomer last night - shit, he made it look easy! Wells had 5 three-up/three-down innings and struck out 5. His opponent Bruce Chen (remember when he beat the Yankees in 2003 after Pedro went on the DL with a strained back?) wasn't as lucky: Chen was cruising through the first four innings, but ran into some trouble in the fifth when he allowed Varitek to score from third base on a balk. In the sixth inning, the very same Jason Varitek belted a three-run homer, making it 4-0 Sox. Damon scored on a single from Manny Ramírez in the seventh, and then in the eighth the Sox scored three more runs on an RBI double from Bill Mueller, an RBI single from Mark Bellhorn, and a sacrifice ground-out hit by Johnny Damon, which brought us to the final score: 8-0 Boston.

I feel pretty happy about the Sox winning this game. Not only are the Orioles the hottest hitting team in baseball right now, but they also traditionally have given the Red Sox fits. Now it seems that they're playing the Yankees a lot tougher this year. Perhaps the tables have turned. Time will tell: Matt Clement takes on Lopez tonight, who is officially the Red Sox's prison daddy. I don't know why but he absolutely stymies the Sox line-up. I hate him.

I'm so excited about going to Detroit on May 2nd! For one thing, I get to see my good buddy Paulie, whom I have not seen since we went to Boston for the World Series. Second of all, I've never been to Comerica Park, so I can cross another ballpark off my list. And third of all, we have what should be great seats behind the visiting on-deck circle. Oh ya, and did I mention that the Red Sox will be in town? I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!

2005-04-19T22:23:00.000-04:00

Nomar chilling in the infield during the Cubs' BP.

Nomar taking BP. We were way out in right field and they wouldn't let us down by home plate without a ticket. Assholes.

My friend Chris and I. I'm enjoying a licorice rope. Mmmmmm.

Mark Prior warming up. He whipped the Reds' asses.

Our man Wily Mo Peña again.

Your quintessential Chicago Cubs fan. No comment.

Incidentally, that particular Cubs fan was also brandishing a hot dog, claiming that every time he ate a hot dog the Cubs would get a home run. Other Cubs fans in the vicinity actually started to buy him hot dogs. The guy wouldn't shut up about it. Deeply weird. In any case, the Reds got pasted to the tune of 7-1, but it didn't matter since Chris and I were too busy sexually harassing Wily Mo Peña to care.

The Sox suffered a frustrating loss at the hands of the bullpen, squandering a hard-fought game by Bronson Arroyo and yet another homerun from Manolito (over the fucking light towers!!!!! SWEET JUMPING JESUS!) as well as Big Dada. Alan Embree came in a gave up a two-run homer, and then Keith Foulke allowed a hit to score what ended up being the winning run for the Blue Jays. Whatever magic Foulke possessed in October seems to be momentarily cashed as he has pretty much struggled thusfar. Disturbing. But it's still early. And hey, at least we're not the Yankees.

It is fucking AMAZING to witness the display of bad-assery that Manny is putting on right now, but I wish he'd slow the pace a little bit so that I have a chance to see his 400th career homerun when we go to Detroit on May 2nd. I'd cry happy tears.

2005-04-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

Jonathan and I went to the Reds/Astros game yesterday, and I have to admit that there is one person on Cincinnati's hick team that I secretly root for, and that is Wily Mo Peña. Ever since he came up on the big league team last year, Mike and I have been following his performance. We've even been calling one of our cats Wily Mo. (Don't tell anybody that, then people will think that I like the Reds when I definitely do not.) He's a young kid from the Dominican Republic with a lot of power but also a lot of room for improvement in the outfield. And he's got a knack for having a dramatic flair. Mike and I are both daydreaming about his eventual trade to the Red Sox. Wily Mo would be perfect in a Boston uniform: he consistently has a bad haircut, he always has some ghetto-ass batting music (yesterday it was Twista,) he's Dominican, and he has some dicey defensive work under his belt. I'm not going to lie - I lust after Wily Mo, in a strictly baseball sort of way.

Anyway, yesterday Wily Mo hit a three-run homer off of Astro's pitcher Brandon Duckworth that went 498 feet. 498. We were sitting out in left field, almost right behind Adam "Strikeout or Homer" Dunn, and this ball sailed over the section to the left of us and way back into the second tier bleacher seats. Holy shit. Then later, in the eighth inning, after the Reds' atrocious bullpen had allowed the game to become tied at 5, Wily Mo comes up and drives in the go-ahead run with a long, long double. I love this kid. Can you imagine what he could do if he were constantly around Manny and Ortiz?? And seeing as how the Reds have a penchant for trading away good young talent at the drop of a hat when they have their annual "Falling Out of Contention" sale in July, I'm sure Peña will be available. Um, as to where he'd play, I haven't figured that out yet. I just want him on the Red Sox.

Other things about going to the Reds game:

A smattering of Reds fans booed Ken Griffey Jr. when he was unable to get to a double that no one in the game could have caught, and I think that's pretty shitty. I mean, don't get me wrong - there are plenty of reasons to boo Ken Griffey Jr, most of which revolve around his salary and his never-ending stints on the DL - but to just boo him on a routine play...I was a little surprised to hear that. Booing your own team is so lame.

I can't stand the constant games and announcements that go on between innings at that ballpark. It's like they don't think we can be happy just paying attention to the game. Why do we have to watch a race between stupid animated baseballs on the scoreboard or vote on a "Song of the Game?" I understand doing goofy shit during the 7th inning stretch, but nowadays there isn't any time for goofy shit since for some reason we have to stand for America the Beautiful or whatever the fuck they're making us take our hats off for these days. It's getting sort of out-of-control. How about a nice round of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" and then get on with the fucking game? Maybe I'm just a traditionalist. It was still fun, though.

2005-04-17T10:41:00.000-04:00

It was only a matter of time.

I have now managed to win Player of the Game for three straight games. Last night I decided to pick Manny one last time before I totally abandoned him for a couple weeks, mostly for sentimental reasons: now that Pedro is gone, Manny has gone from my Second Favorite Red Sox to the top of the list, and I'll admit to cheering just a wee bit harder for him than I do for everyone else. So even though he's fucked me over several times in the past week and a half, I decided to give him one last chance to redeem himself. Mike, meanwhile, picked Johnny Damon. Considering that my pick drove in all of the Red Sox's 6 runs on a two-run homer and a grand slam, I think I won.

And goddamnit, let the season begin. The Sox are on a very modest but never-the-less very good feeling win streak (3 games,) Manny is hitting again, and all seems right with the world. Oh, and it's been a pleasure to watch Renteria on defense these past few games. Damn I love baseball.

I'm going to the Reds/Astros game today with Jonathan - maybe I'll post some pics.

2005-04-16T09:53:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately I was unable to watch all of last night's game, but I am proud to announce that I am on a roll, ladies and gentlemen: I won Player of the Game again, for the second consecutive night. I picked Ortiz, and while I didn't get to see much past the fourth inning, I did see his grand slam in the third which pretty much trumps anything else anyone else's Player of the Game could have done so I WIN AGAIN! Victory is sweet. Speaking of victory, the Sox dealt the D-Rays a good old-fashioned ass-whooping to the tune of 10-0. Well done. Unfortunately, Manny continues to dwell around the Mendoza line.

A list of things Manny might as well be swinging with these days:
1. A garden hose
2. A hockey puck in a dirty sock.
3. One of those huge, mega-sized Pixie Stix
4. A flourescent lightbulb
5. A two-litre of Fresca
6. A suckling pig

I'm sure he'll come around, but for right now he looks hiiiiiiiiiideous.

I would also like to tell whoever is interested that I am planning a move over to Typepad in a couple weeks. I have a version of RallyCuff up and running over there - feel free to take a gander if you want: www.rallycuff.typepad.com/rallycuff. I'm just pretty much sick to death of Blogger, and I've been very impressed with my free trial period over at Typepad, so I'm 90% sure that I'm moving. Let me know what you think.

2005-04-15T02:18:00.001-04:00

Mama I'm a Red Sox now!

Welcome to the team, Edgar!

This was one of those games that seemed like a lifetime.

First of all, Mike and I chose our picks for Player of the Game. Mike went out on a limb and picked Jay Payton, while I doggedly chose Renteria again, having left Manny up on the cliff for the vultures. Imagine my disgust when Jay Payton hit a two-run homer in the second inning - not because I was upset about the Sox taking the lead, but rather I was dismayed about my chances at ever winning the Player of the Game contest. I mean, Jay Payton??? Just my luck.
But wait - not so fast. My pick of the game, Mr. Renteria, comes up to bat in the third inning and wouldn't you know that he hit a two-run Monster shot of his own?! My celebration over this small victory was only topped by Manny's pimp stroll down the first base line in Game 5 of the 2003 ALCS, and meanwhile Mike was giving me disparaging "Act-Like-You've-Been-There-Before" looks. Player of the Game status was all tied up. Meanwhile, the Sox had taken a nice 4-1 lead.

In the mean time, a wicked storm had been brewing in the game around mongoloid home plate umpire Greg Gibson or whatever the fuck his asshole name was. This guy brought the concept of incompetency to a new level. In the top of the fourth, Arroyo had loaded the bases on a base hit and two honest walks. Sheffield was up to bat. The count is loaded. Arroyo whips a nifty curveball in right over the center of the plate about belt-high...and that dumb fuck behind the plate calls it a ball. Beautiful pitch, beautiful location, yet in comes a run. Then Matsui follows with a two run single and A-Fraud with a one run single. And just like that the Yanks are up 5-4. Fuck Greg Gibson. Send that man a Febreeze martini on me. So not only are the Yankees now in the lead, but somehow Papa Jack has been thrown out of the game after having to be physically restrained by the other coaches. I was watching Tito try to shove Papa Jack away and becoming seriously stressed out about Tito's health. I actually started to yell for some other coaches to come in there and help him out. Which they did. But it was all in vain, since in the bottom of the very same inning Tito himself got thrown out for arguing balls and strikes - but not before giving that cockbreath Gibson an ear full.

Jason Varitek blasted a one-run homer waaaayyy the fuck over the Green Monster and now the score is tied up again. It stays that way for the next three innings. Meanwhile Randy Johnson (occassionally with the help of Greg "Pillowbiter" Gibson) has amassed nine strikeouts.

Bottom of the eighth. In comes Tom Gordon. Damon singles to lead off the inning. Then up comes my Pick of the Game, Edgar Renteria - also known as My Boy Edgar Renteria - who wastes no time in smacking a wall-ball double, scoring Damon from first and giving the Sox the lead again. Sound familiar? It's because Cabby did almost the exact same thing last year, hitting a wall-ball double to score Damon from first and win the game for the Sox, and both plays can rightly be considered the exact moment that Cabby and Renteria officially became Red Sox. Welcome aboard, Eddie! Manny "Mendoza Line" Ramirez followed with a fly-out to left field. Ortiz was intentionally walked. Millar flies out to left field and now Varitek is up. Tek smokes one down the right field line that starts to carom around like crazy...one run is in...two runs are in...and next thing I know, Gary Sheffield is punching a fan in the right field stands. Supposedly the fan punched Sheffield in the mouth.

Now, I don't agree with fan interference or any type of violence on the field, especially directed at players. But....it couldn't have happened to a better person.

The Sox hang on to win 8-5, even though Foulke tried his hardest to blow the game in the ninth by absolutely refusing to throw a first pitch strike. The Sox have finally won their first series of the season, and as the Devil Rays are coming into town I see nothing but blue skies in the near future.

Oh, and this makes it two games in a row for Millar:

.

Fabulous. Just fabulous.

2005-04-14T01:55:00.000-04:00

The shiny-ness of the brand new baseball season is sort of starting to wear off now and I finally felt my first twinge of Red Sox-related anger tonight.

1. Fuck Blaine Neal. Yes, he had two strikeouts tonight, and yes, one of them was A-Fraud, and no, he did not give up any runs. But I still think he sucks. Putting Blaine Neal into a game is like running a white flag up the fucking pole. And what kind of name is Blaine Neal - did your parents pick that out of a fucking Jackie Collins novel? Gross.

2. The Sox are pulling a "Red Sox" by being unable to capitalize on walks and by leaving men in scoring position. Jaret Wright is a train wreck of a human being, but you'd think he was the Dalai Fucking Lama if you look at the third inning on my scoresheet: one double, three walks and only one run scored - on a sac-fly, no less. Lame.

3. No matter how hard I try, I can never, ever beat Mike at the Player of the Game contest. Tonight I picked Manny, because I figure hey - how long can that guy go on sucking like this? Meanwhile, Mike goes with the safer pick in Trot Nixon. Needless to say, I lose. Trot hits a homer and walks three times, while Manny has a double, a walk and a fly-out, rounding out his evening with what would have been two magnificent ground-outs-into-double-plays had there been a man on first base.

4. Renteria. Somebody get this guy a hooker or something.

5. Schilling? Good first five innings, but the guy isn't God - he should have come out after the fifth. Normally, giving up three hits and two runs in an inning after one has only given up three hits the previous four innings isn't a sign of impending doom...unless it happens to be one's very first start of the year and one has already thrown in excess of eighty pitches. But, out he comes in the sixth to give up two homers for a combined three runs. Shrug. I told Tito it wasn't a good idea, but he didn't listen to me. He did listen to me about the Bellhorn/day off thing, though.

But, there is a silver lining to this cloud. The Sox may have lost 5-2 to the Yankees in a very agonizing fashion, but no matter what happens, no one can take this memory away from me:

It's never going to stop making me laugh.

2005-04-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

The Red Sox home opener looked like the perfect day: rings handed out, flags hoisted, Yankee ass soundly whipped. Unfortunately, the ring ceremony wasn't broadcast here in Cincinnati, but we got to watch some of the highlights Remy and Orsillo showed during the game and I have to admit...I teared up. It was everything I have been dreaming about since Oct. 27, 2004. It was incredibly, unbelievably fucking cool.

The game was great fun, too, with the Sox drubbing the Yankees 8-1. Mike Mussina only lasted five innings, giving up only seven hits but six earned runs, thanks in part to a 2-run monster shot by Doug Mirabelli and a bases loaded, 2-RBI single by Kevin Millar. In the fourth inning an error by A-Fraud on a ball hit by Johnny Damon allowed a run to score and also gave license to fans throughout the ballpark to mercilessly taunt His Royal Highness Princess Rodriguez for the rest of the game. Elsewhere in the Red Sox batting order, Manny was able to get his third RBI of the year - although he is still batting a shameful .214 - and Trot continued to kick ass with a hit, a double and a walk.

And I have to say, I'm starting to feel bad for Edgar Renteria. For one thing, the guy doesn't seem to be able to do much of anything at the plate, and when he does finally produce it's never in the clutch. And then when the guy makes a (up to this point) rare good play at shortstop, and I'm thinking "Alright, show em what you're made of Eddie!" some weird shit happens like yesterday when he made a nice ranging snag behind second base which no one expected him to get to: A-Rod keeps on running around to home, Mirabelli gets up way in front of homeplate, causing the throw to home to be completely worthless, and Renteria was unable to save a run. The dude just seems to be kind of snake-bit. I feel bad for him. I've watched him play a bit on the Cardinals and I know that he's a better ballplayer than he's been showing us. I'm waiting for his breakthrough moment, like Cabby had when he banged that double off of the scoreboard and brought in the game-winning run.

And this Bellhorn guy.......Wow. A lot of, a lot of strikeouts there.

2005-04-10T08:57:00.000-04:00

The wonderrrrrrrr of it all!
As if the Foxwoods commercials couldn't get any weirder or more irritating, now they are filled with fucking leprechauns singing in a stupid brogue. It's like a bad dream. Between that and the endless Curt Schilling commercials, 2005 promises to be a very special year.
Last night's game was pretty unspectacular - at least from a Red Sox stand point. From a B-Jays stand point it was probably the high point of their fucking season: back-to-back-to-back home runs given up by Wells in the third inning and a grand slam given up by some schmoo from our bullpen in the eighth.

Concern #1: This is the second start in a row in which David Wells has sucked ass. His location is, er, less than pinpoint-accurate at this (early) stage in the season. Good news is, if he keeps this up the Sox might not have to pay him all that incentive salary. Bad news is, ball go bye-bye.

Concern #2: This bullpen is giving me 2003 flashbacks. Even Keith Foulke seems to have somehow morphed into Chad Fox. What's up? They've given up a hideous number of runs in just five games. We were thinking that John Halama could be the new John Burkett. Think again.

The line-up last night was all wacky last night due to an off day for Renteria (hey, hasn't he had enough of those already? ba-doom-chhhhhhhh I'll be here all week, ladies and gentlemen) and the fact that Johnny Damon had to get six stitches in his elbow where he cut himself on those fucking STUPID new scoreboards in the outfield. In other Johnny Damon news, I bet I'm the only Red Sox fan in the world that is sick to DEATH of seeing/hearing about that guy. I am. For real. I'm tired of all the fucking Johnny Damon talk. There. I said it.
Renteria is causing all my National League fan friends to clap me on the back and say things like "Renteria will come around - he's a good ballplayer, just you wait and see." And I have absolute faith that by the middle of May we will all have forgotten these first few weeks. But for now I've been watching him and Manny through a crack between my fingers with a hand over my eyes. Painful.

Rubber match with the Blue Jays today, ring ceremony tomorrow - life is good.

2005-04-08T11:38:00.000-04:00

I had the good luck to go to Cincinnati's opening day game this past Monday. I say "good luck" because supposedly tickets to Cincinnati's opening day were the most sought-after tickets in baseball this year. Opening Day is always a big deal here in Cincinnati - the Reds were the first professional baseball team and therefore they always get to play their opening game at home. Plus everyone here is all excited because the Reds got Eric Milton and Ben Weber and they think (wrongly) that the Reds might finish higher than fourth place this year. But I bet that there were more than a few people there for the same reason that Mike and I spent $140 on two seats from a scalper: to watch Pedro Martínez. I could give two shits about the scumbag Mets (who got swept by the Reds, by the way,) and I have only a passing interest in the Reds, but Pedro is my favorite pitcher ever and probably always will be. It was totally worth the $140 to sit in the awesome seats we had and watch him pitch for three innings.

But why does he have to be such a douchebag?

2005-04-07T00:59:00.000-04:00

Finally! We were able to watch our first entire baseball game of the season. Sunday's game found me a bit too drunk at the end to pay attention, Monday we didn't get into the game until the middle of the third inning, and last night our cable went out. But by God we watched all 54 outs of today's game, and what a game it was.

Apparently, upon seeing the scarlet letter "B" on an opposing hat, Mariano Rivera turns into a pants-wetting, shriveled up old man. Last year I was trying to be gracious about it, even making excuses like "well, when a team sees Rivera as much as the Sox do, you're bound to have some success against him," (which was also my Pedro excuse.) But now I'm sort of contemplating outright ownership of Rivera by the Sox. For those of you counting, today was Rivera's fourth consecutive blown save against the Red Sox. They have a phrase in Panama for four consecutive blown saves: "No bueno."

The game was tied up in the eighth thanks to a 2 RBI single by Millar and solo homeruns by A-Rod and Tino Martinez (who was given a totally gratuitous and nauseating curtain call my god I fucking hate the Yankees and their douchebag fans.) Embree put Tony Womack on in the eighth and Mike "the Iron Eagle" Timlin allowed him to score over the agonizing journey that were his two outs of the inning (two walks, one hit-by-pitch.) If I hadn't already known that somehow, some way Rivera had blown (another) save, I think I would have had my first angry spell of the season at this point, mostly over the fact that Timlin was left in to face Matsui when he obviously had nothing working. But somehow the Sox escaped only one run down, and in the top of the ninth in came El Shittero de Bedos. Two-thirds of an inning, three hits, three earned runs, three walks and one strike-out.

But wait a second! - you're asking yourself. The Sox won 7-3 - how did Mo only earn three of the four runs that occurred in the ninth inning? Well, I'm so glad you asked.

Thanks to Alex Rodriguez's miserable failure at a Harlem Globetrotters impersonation in which he actually appeared to dribble the fucking baseball in the dirt between third and second, Bill Mueller was allowed to score the tying run. No matter how cool A-Rod tries to look, he will always be the fucking nerd.

And that, my friends, is the first Red Sox win of the year. Only 159 games left! :(

2005-04-06T09:33:00.000-04:00

I was all happy last night as I sat out behind work, waiting for Mike to finish up inside. I was sitting on a bucket, reading my book (Perfume by Patrick Suskind) and enjoying the beautiful weather. It is finally spring here in Cincinnati. Last night it was a peaceful, breezy 65 degrees, and when I walked out of work the sky still had a warm hue to it, even though the sun had already set. All the lights in our alley behind the restaurant seemed warmer, almost golden. The casual way the dishwasher walked out of the back of the neighboring restaurant and shook out his broom reinforced the sense of warmth and spring in the air: a month ago he would have stepped out quickly, breath pluming out of his mouth, and shook the broom briefly to get back inside where it was warm; last night there was no hurry. And I was content in the knowledge that very soon I would be walking home to our waiting VCR with a tape of today's Sox/Yankees game inside, waiting for us to sit down, waiting for us to rewind it, waiting for us to watch. Life doesn't get much better than it is right now.

So we get home, Mike opens a Pepsi and I get the tape ready and get my scoresheet together and we start watching. First sign that something is going to go wrong: they broadcast the game on the motherfucking YES network. I hate the clowns that do their fucking announcing almost as much as I hate the team they work for. But whatever - we just block out Michael Kay and Paul O'Neal's endlessly self-gratifying bullshit and concentrate on watching Clement pitch. It's true that we do have to hear some unfortunate comments, like how tough it is for Clement to face this Yankees line-up coming from the National League as if Pavano isn't faced with the same challenge, or like how every routine play that Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez or even - ugh - Tony Womack makes is an incredible example of athletic prowess...but, like I said, for the most part we were able to ignore them.

Then, bottom of the third inning, Jeter gets hit in the hand with an inside pitch (have I told you all yet how much I miss Pedro? It just made me think about that one game in 2003 where he sent Jeter and Soriano to the hospital after hitting both with inside pitches in the first fucking inning of the game. God I love Pedro) and then A-Fraud gets caught stealing or something - in any case, he was out at second but they call him safe, and Mike and I are getting ready to pitch a serious bitch fit when all of the sudden the cable went out. And then we realized that we had taped 3 1/2 innings of baseball and 5 1/2 innings of dead air. And that's why I didn't get to watch last night's game.

File under: God hates me because I don't believe in him.

2005-04-05T00:56:00.001-04:00

Our Opening Day pictures:

A view of the Opening Day parade from one of Cincinnati's many skywalks.
This is the only time of year that you will be able to find this many Reds fans in Cincinnati. Come June you won't be able to find one if you put out a $10,000 reward. But I guess that's what happens when a team finishes consistently in fourth place.

My best friend Chris, enjoying some red beer. Cincinnati Reds - red beer - get it? har har
I've known Chris since I was 16 years old, and he's one of the most quality people I've ever met. A recent face-to-face meeting with a toilet bowl and a bathroom floor doesn't prevent Chris from enjoying some nice, caustic red Miller Lite.

Sweet P, in the wrong uniform, but still my favorite pitcher.
We paid face value for these seats from a scalper. I almost shit my pants when I actually sat down in my seat and realized how close we were to the field. I could see the juice flying off of Pedro's jheri-curl. Bad ass.

I like this pic.

.

Petey gets his at-bat on.
One thing that always surprises me when I see Pedro in person is how short he is. I think he might be like a shade shorter than I am - for real. He's just a lil' fella. But he always looks so fierce on the mound that you can never tell on tv.

Carlos Beltran.

Enjoying some burritos at the Comet after the game.
By now we were all totally wiped out from drinking in the sunshine all day. The game was pretty cool. The Reds hit a walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth, and since I've never seen a walk-off win before it was pretty exciting. Even though I could give two shits about the Reds. I was just sort of sad that whatever dumbass from the Mets' bullpen blew Pedro's win. But it was an awesome day, and goddamn I'm glad that baseball is back!

2005-04-04T09:51:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to find one word that will sum up last night's 2005 season opener. Um, pathetic? Slip-shod? Half-assed? An athletic burlesque? I think the one thing that seperates my blog from the sea of other Red Sox blogs on the internet is that I'm less interested in good journalism and more interested in shoot-from-the-hip ranting and negativity, so lets just get right to it, shall we?

1. Johnny Damon looked like absolute garbage last night. He looked totally lost at the plate and looked sluggish in the outfield. I realize that he would have been unable to get to several of the (many) balls hit his way last night, but on a couple of plays he looked like Kenny Lofton. That's the 2004 Kenny Lofton, not the 1996 Kenny Lofton, if you catch my drift. I'm not going to get too pissed off 'cause it was only the first game of the season and it was like 42 degrees in New York, but perhaps Damon should start concentrating more on playing baseball (he had a .093 average in spring training) now that the season is underway and less on his book tour bullshit. Maybe it's just me.

2. Edgar Renteria. One really nice play to end the second inning. Then ugh. But I'm willing to chalk that up to nerves.

3. Manny Ramirez. Shitty at-bats. But no worry on this front. Except that I still hate the hairdo.

4. David Ortiz, however, was rocking a nice finger-wave last night, which looks good on him. He also got a nifty double down the first base line in the second inning and later came around to score the first run of the game. If I would have known then that it was one of only two runs that the Sox would score I may have been less celebratory, but hey, it was still fun to watch.

5. Kevin Millar. I'm not even going to talk about his performance in the game since I don't really remember that much except for him being robbed of a homerun by what I will grudgingly admit to being a nice catch by Hideki "At Least I'm Not As Ugly As Randy Johnson But I'm Still Really Fucking Ugly" Matsui. Instead, I'm going to tell you that this year I have been modeling my batting stance off of Millar and I'll be goddamned if I haven't been getting a shitload more hits. No lie.

6. Varitek. <>How cool was it to see that C on his chest??? < /shameless geekery >

7. Jay Payton had a pretty good night in comparison with the general shittiness of the Red Sox last night, driving in Big Dada for his first RBI of the season. Played a decent right field.

8. Bill Mueller - give it up for my StL homie, reppin' Maryland Heights, Missourri all the way. Word is bond.

9. Mark Bellhorn has a fucking hockey haircut. Let me tell you something about Mark Bellhorn: Whenever he bats from the right side of the plate, Mike and I say that it's Bellhorn's evil twin brother "Barry Bellhorn," and so we attribute all of his shitty right-handed at bats to Barry, not Mark. But Barry got a double last night and had a couple of nifty plays at second. Well done, Barry.

This would be the fifth consecutive losing opening game that the Red Sox have pulled off. Way to go, gang. But I find that I can't really work up that much vitriole over it - that's the great thing about the first couple weeks of baseball. I'm just so fucking excited for the season to start that it doesn't matter how they play, in a way.

Now I must end the post and go out and celebrate the Reds Opening Day in true Cincinnati fashion, which means drinking before eleven in the afternoon. I also hope to be attending the game to cheer on Petey, so hopefully I'll have some pics for you all later. Until then, GO SOX! :)

2005-04-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

It's finally here! Tonight at 8:05 the Red Sox will take the field at Yankee Stadium for the first game of their 2005 Title Defense Season. David Wells vs. Randy Johnson. Edgar Renteria vs. Derek Jeter. Manny vs. Matsui. Bellhorn vs. Sanchez or whoever the fuck the Yankees are going to have playing second base since - predictably - Tony Womack is hurt.

And then tomorrow is the Reds home opener, complete with Opening Day parade, beer tents, and a general mood of celebration. We're meeting our friend Corey at a bar across the street at eleven in the morning to get our drink on, and then we're going to try to get scalped tickets to the game to watch the Reds face The Pitcher Formerly Known As "My Boy Pedro." I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Now I will finally have something to blog about again. Speaking of the word "blog," I see a move away from Blogger in my near future since their service has pretty much been sucking ass for the past month or so. But I'll let you know when that happens. For now I'm just going to have to deal with never being able to make a post properly. In fact, they probably will fuck this post up. You may never get to read this. Fuck Blogger.

2005-04-01T10:31:00.000-05:00

Dude, I fucking hate Blogger. I'm tired of these fuck-os screwing me over every time I try to make a fucking post. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!! Take your fucking blogger blog and your fucking dashboard and shove them up your fucking ASS!

:)

Ah. That's much better.

2005-04-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

This has nothing to do with baseball whatsoever, but I love this picture:

My little brother came into work with me one day this week and I forced him to pose in his "nerdy" chef clothes. I love my brother. He's turning 18 in a month and on his birthday we're getting matching tattoos of our initials interlinked on our arms. Isn't he cute as a little button?

You want to know what $500 dollars worth of mushrooms looks like?

The 2005 MLB season starts the day after tomorrow! Have I mentioned lately how much I love David Ortiz?

2005-03-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

Good news: Byung Hyun Kim was (finally) traded to the Rockies for a bag of batting practice balls and a 1956 set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Bad news: Anastacio Martinez has been designated for assignment. Well, shit.

Two more days.

2005-03-30T10:33:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought it was safe to go back….

After the first Sox/Yanks spring training game I thought it was over. Sox lost, Yanks won, but I was genuinely surprised to find out that I didn’t care. In 2004, when the Sox lost to the Yankees in a harmless spring training game – I’ll admit it, I was pissed. Not as pissed as I was when, say, the Sox got swept by the Yankees in July, but I still had this hard, indigestible little lump of hatred inside me that absolutely loathed seeing the Yankees enjoying even a modicum of success at my team’s expense. Fast forward through a miracle season which climaxed in the Boston Red Sox publicly humiliating the New York Yankees by being the only team in baseball history to come back from an 0-3 deficit in a seven-game series and I’m sittin’ pretty. So in 2005 the Sox lose a harmless little spring training game to the Yankees – big fuckin’ deal. “The New York Who? Oh, those guys that my guys pounded into the dirt last season, ya, I remember them.” I was ready to put it to bed. I thought at first that Johnny Damon’s grand slam in Game 7 had washed away all the bitterness and hatred and that I – and every other Red Sox fan – had finally been vindicated. The Red Sox can, in fact, beat the New York Yankees on occasion – even when it matters! – and now I can go on with my merry little baseball life.

And then I watch yesterday’s game. A game which, ironically, the Red Sox won. And literally within ten minutes of the start of the game the hatred was back. I hate the Yankees. Unequivocally. To a man. Hate. If I’m in a good mood I’ll admit that I like to watch Mike Mussina pitch. But other than that I just hate that fucking team, plain and simple. What triggered this assumed-to-be-forgotten conditioned response, you may be asking. Two words for you: Michael Kay.

I’m not even sure if I spelled that asshole’s name right. He pretty much exemplifies everything that I absolutely hate about the Yankees as an organization, a team and a fan base: know-it-all, arrogant, self-righteous fuck-faces who, when they have absolutely nothing else to fall back on, will just endlessly masturbate themselves to thoughts of former glory. Michael Kay is one of the most self-congratulatory, biased, shamelessly homer-istic announcers in professional sports and I hope he has a miserable fucking personal life. It’s the little things: One minute into the game, the cameras are panning around “Legends Field” – even the fucking name of their spring training park is fucking nauseating – and Mr. K, in awed, hushed tones, says: “Every…seat…completely…filled.” Ya, real impressive, asshole – you sold out a fucking spring training game. Why don’t you concentrate on selling out that big ol’ stadium up north every once in awhile. If Remy and Orsillo were to convey the same information to Sox fans it would be something like “…and the Sox take on the Yankees in a sold out game here at City of Palms Park.” But not Michael Kay, oh no.

I swear to god the game has only been on for five minutes before these buffoons start talking about “class.” How Classy all the Yankees are and how UnClassy and Idiotic the Sox are. How A-Rod is the best player in baseball and how that makes him a target because he’s better than everyone else and gets paid more than everyone else, and how the Yankees as an organization become a target because of who they are and the success they always enjoy and about how they build a team to win a championship every year instead of other teams who just get lucky after 86 years of “angst.” Then comes the Yankee’s half of the inning. Derek Jeter gets a hit on the first pitch from John Halama, and right away Michael Kay starts in on how bad it must be as a pitcher to see your first pitch driven into center field and yadda-yadda-yadda when I distinctly remember Mark Bellhorn driving the Yankees’ pitcher’s second pitch into nearly the exact same area of the field. Unfortunately I was unable to continue to watch this game and turned my attention instead to Baseball Tonight and a totally weird tutorial by John Kruck, Gammo and Harold “I Suck Yankee Cock” Reynolds on how to steal second base with a lefty on the mound.

Fuck the Yankees. Fuck the YES network. Fuck Michael Kay. The hatred is back. The universe, I guess, is just the same as it ever was.

Oh, and by the way:
more days until Opening Night.

P.S. If you haven't watched the video on the Boston Globe's website entitled "Renteria Does Country" you simply have not lived. Please. Do yourself a favor and go watch it.

2005-03-29T09:59:00.000-05:00

Tego Calderon says:

Cuatro mas dias hasta el primer juego de la temporada!

2005-03-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

more days until opening night!

One day I will heed the advice of my fellow bloggers and save my posts on the ol' clipboard before trying to publish only to have Blogger erase my (sometimes) hard work with an internal error. But until then, I'm just going to sit around and curse at my computer for fucking me over once again. Some people just never learn. But, since I don't have the fucking patience to retype this entry, this is what you get. I will probably be writing a Prediction Post sometime soon, but other than that I wouldn't expect too much activity over here until Opening Day because I'm sort of busy with several projects in my personal life right now.

Anastacio Watch 2005: Anastacio is currently competing with our very own Byung Hyun Barfbag for the last bullpen start. Martinez has a 5.73 ERA in 10.1 innings. BK is just an outright fucking douchebag. The choice is just that easy.

P.S. I should put an addendum on this post and say that there is more bad blood between my computer and Blogger than there is between A-Fraud and Arroyo, cause Blogger doesn't ever want to publish a damn thing I write. Haters.

2005-03-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I've been doing a shitty job keeping up with the world of baseball in general, and this blog in particular. I have virtually no idea of the goings on in the Major Leagues this past week or so, and I have only vague notions of how the Sox have been doing in their spring training games. I don't really know who has been cut and who hasn't, although I think that the Sox are now down to 31 players and that My Boy Anastacio still hasn't been sent down yet. My station partner saw footage of Curt Schilling pitching before I did. I haven't even been checking other blogs lately, or spring training photo galleries, or the Globe, or the Herald, or anything. I mean, what in the fuck have I been doing all week? Let me try and remember....

Nope. Nothing important or interesting. Some reading, some crossword puzzles, some CSI marathons on Spike TV. Sure, I watched a couple of spring training games when they were on MLB.com or ESPN, but....

Somehow I remember being more grateful for spring training last year. This year I'm just sort of like "yeah, yeah, yeah, let's cut the crap and get to the good stuff, shall we?" I've only noticed a few minor differences between '04 spring training and '05:

1. In 2005, I find myself looking at Tito with a genuine affection, like seeing a cool uncle, instead of distrust and hatred, like seeing a picture of a convicted child murderer.

2. Edgar Renteria. Me likey.

3. This year whenever I see Manny my thoughts are dirty as in "God, his hair looks fucking nasty," instead of dirty like "I wonder what he'd look like in a thong made of cotton candy."

4. Last year I was wondering whether David Ortiz could maintain his badassery from 2003. Now I'm just sort of starting to take it for granted. I mean, the playoffs last year? Fucking brilliant. Ortiz is certainly headed for baseball Valhalla.

5. Seeing Pedro cut up with another team's mascot/catcher/players/fans is like seeing an old girlfriend at a bar or a club somewhere when she doesn't see you and watching her do cute little things that you thought were just between you and her to other strange people.

6. I have done a complete and total 180 degree turn around from being like "Oh wow, I'm so excited that Curt Schilling is on the team, I want to read everything he has to say because he's so cool and he's going to be real good for the team" to telling my husband that if he buys a Curt Schilling jersey that I'll never wear it. For real.

So, um, ya, I'll offer up a lame apology for having a very shitty blog lately, and I'm glad that people still check it now and then because I suck. Believe me, this hurts me worse than it hurts you, and all those platitudes. Ten more days until Opening Night.

2005-03-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

A couple things about yesterday's spring training game:

1. Juan Perez sucks.

2. I heart Big Papi.

3. I just don't really miss Derek Lowe.

4. I'm not sure why, but I always find myself rooting for Anastacio Martinez's success. I can't figure it out. It's been this way for a couple years now. It's like I feel bad for him or something. Like whenever I see him get put into a game, I'm always like "Okay, give this kid a break for once." Usually whenever a mediocre relief pitcher (I'll be honest with myself, that's all Martinez is,) gets put into a game I'm thinking, "Oh great, here comes this incompetent motherfucker. I wonder how he'll manage to foul things up this time." But whenever Anastacio Martinez comes up I turn into Stuart fucking Smalley, like "Anastacio, you can do it, cause you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone-it, people like you!" In reality, however, I know that about the most useful thing Martinez could do would be to pick up a metal folding chair and beat the living shit out of Byung Hyun Kim, which has only vague connections with actually throwing a baseball. Wow. That thought gives me more satisfaction than it actually should. Think about the fucking damage Anastacio Martinez could deal down to BK! I'm getting giddy. Have I mentioned how much I hate Byung Hyun Kim lately? Cause I hate him. Hate his guts. I'd love to see him stuffed into a rusty metal garbage can and thrown down a long steel stairwell.

5. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate spring training games?

6. Pedroia looked good yesterday. Ortiz looked pretty much like I would if I tried to play first base in yesterday's game: fucked up.

7. Boy was that ESPN announcing piss-poor.

8. Twelve more days until Opening Day.

2005-03-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

This many days until Opening Day. I have been filling today's glum, cold, baseball-less day listening to a book-on-tape of "Lolita" read by Jeremy Irons. Sox are on ESPN tomorrow, but spring training...ugh...just no substitute for the real thing. I can't begin to describe the depths of my apathy concerning spring training games. I'm practically frothing at the mouth to get this fucking season started!

2005-03-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Erin go bragh and all that stuff! I will be wearing my Paul Pierce Celtics jersey today as it is the only green thing I own, but at least it is an appropriate green thing.

Right now I'm watching the Congressional steroid hearings. I am so. Fucking. Tired. of hearing about this whole mess that I hope they get it straightened out once and for all. I got into an arguement with someone about steroids last night which somehow denigrated into a yelling match about Pete Rose and whether or not he should be banned from baseball (always a touchy subject here in Cincinnati.) We also sat around and figured out the distance between first base and third base using the Pythagorean Theorum, and that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why I love baseball. Think about all the great conversations baseball has given us throughout our lives! Whether it's baseball story time, like listening to my grandfather talk about Stan Musial and Bob Gibson, or just random, non-baseball chatter that occurs between my friends while we watch a game on television, talking about baseball and conversations during baseball are as much a part of the game as strike-outs and home runs.

Whether it's an arguement like whether or not Babe Ruth would be shit if he faced modern pitching, or Paulie calling me from Boston after the Sox won the '04 ALCS and holding his phone up so that I could hear the screaming people on the street; whether it's me nervously calling Beth from the runway at Newark airport to try to figure out if we were going to make it to Boston in time for Game 2 of the World Series or Jonathan trying to make me laugh during the tense moments of ALCS game 6 by doing his impersonation of Joe Buck's screams of agony as he is thrown down a flight of stairs; listening to chef - a Frenchman - talk about how boring and un-athletic the sport is; singing with Lacey all the way home from a Sox game in Cleveland to keep ourselves awake, making up baseball lyrics to old songs like "The Twelve Days of Manny." All of these great conversations baseball has given to me - up to and including this conversation we have together in the form of this blog!

What a great fucking sport!

2005-03-16T10:56:00.000-05:00

I have absolutely NOTHING to blog about. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate winter, and I hate hate hate hate hate Ohio in the winter - even more so than in the other three seasons of the year. I have decided that I'm wearing shorts on any given day from now on if I feel like it. I don't care if it's only 42 degrees outside. (My shorts only expose like three inches of my lower calf anyway because they're kinda droopy. Leann used to call them "shants," like "shorts" and "pants" combined, get it, get it??? hahahaha okay nevermind.) Anyhow, I have decided that I am wearing shorts and that it will be spring whether mother nature likes it or not, and if I look like a total retard wearing shorts, a hoodie and a stocking cap then I don't give a fuck. I HATE WINTER AND I HOPE IT fucking DIES.

But I love:

1. Feeling hot sun on my skin on a cloudless 85 degree day

2. Coming home from work and hearing Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo droning away on the TV in the living room

3. Turning the corner into the living room after work, drawn to Remy and Orsillo like a bum to a flaming garbage can, and seeing that the Sox are winning

4. Turning the corner into the living room and seeing that the Sox are winning by some ridiculous margin like 14-4

5. Watching Bugs Bunny cartoons, especially the one where Yosemite Sam rigs the piano up to explode when Bugs plays this little ditty, only Bugs never plays it right, so Sam, in frustration, shoves Bugs out of the way like "No, no, no, you stupid varmint! Like this!" and the piano explodes. I love that one! When I watch cartoons I laugh so much that my husband starts staring at me with this "I-Can't-Believe-I-Married-This-Woman" expression on his face. I can't help it - they're fucking funny. (This has nothing to do with summer but I still love it.)

6. Drinking a case of beer in the sunshine while shagging fly balls and coming up with stupid things to do like "Let's practice bunting today!"

7. Being slow at work and playing "Plastic Wrap & Cardboard Tube Homerun Derby"

8. Chilling on the fire escape. bonus: chilling on the fire escape when a friend drops by.

9. Having swamp-ass all day because work is so fucking hot and finally being able to go home and lay down on your stomach with your bottom bare and powdered up like a fucking baby with diaper rash. Trust me, it feels great. All hail cornstarch.

10. Having something to fucking blog about.

2005-03-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

Surprise, surprise - the Sox lost a game to the Baltimore Orioles. Yawn.

We did call the cable company today and order the MLB Extra Innings package, however. Add that to the one-day reprieve we got from the snowy weather and I'm smelling spring in the air!

2005-03-13T17:55:00.000-05:00

If I were a star Major League baseball player:

1. I would have the sluttiest looking wife on the team who would dress like a trailer-trash prom queen at a roller rink birthday party and who would be shot full of more silicone than the entire region of Southern California. Not because that's my type of woman, but just because I could.

2. When I come up to bat they would play the song "Goodbye Horses" by Q.Lazzarus, which you may remember as the song from "Silence of the Lambs" during the pivotal Push-My-Cock-and-Balls-Back-Between-My-Legs scene, and to pump myself up for my at-bats I would look into the mirror in the dugout and scream at my reflection: "Would you fuck me?? I'd fuck me!! I'd fuck me so hard!!"

3. I would regularly beat the living shit out of the gatorade cooler, whether Mirabelli was sitting on it or not - ditto the bat rack and the post-game spread - even if I went 5-5 and hit for the cycle, in which case my destruction would be of a celebratory nature.

4. I would have a ridiculously gaudy sports utility vehicle filled with strippers, top-shelf vodka and pot smoke with television screens on the back of the headrests, spinner rims and a horn that played "La Cucaracha." I would have a huge mural of the Virgin Mary engulfed in an art-deco sort of wreathe of flames cradling a baby Jesus with my face superimposed on it painted on the roof and a chain-link license plate frame.

5. I would knock my wife up as often as possible and name every kid after myself.

6. My charity work would consist of allowing the kid in the hospital bed next to mine watch an hour of his choice in tv programming a day while I'm recuperating from minor injuries sustained in a drunk driving accident.

7. I would sign autographs only for women, and only on skin. I would sign the occassional man if I were drunk enough.

8. After a three-game series my hotel rooms would look like Keith Richards, Courtney Love and Jon Bonham's corpse threw a two-month cocaine orgy inside it, and I would sexually harass every member of the maid staff who walked within a thirty-foot radius of me.

9. I would spend plane trips farting in my sleep.

10. I would spend every single available milisecond of screen time I get adjusting my cup in some obscene, overly-elaborate ritual that would, at some point, involve me actually reaching into my pants while I am at a quarter squat and jiggling things around.

Oh ya, and the Red Sox lost 4-2 against the Twins today.

2005-03-10T21:31:00.000-05:00

Cowboy Up!

Okay, so bear in mind that "This Friend Of My Friend's Said That..." stories are sometimes urban legend, sometimes rumor, and almost always bullshit, but:
My very close friend Jonathan has a friend who plays for the Florence Freedom minor league baseball team. He's talked about this dude several times, about how good he used to be and yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, this guy is apparently on pretty decent terms with Cincinnati native Kevin Youkilis (this is the second person I know who knows Youkilis. The first person was a total drunk we all called "Danimal" who knew Youkilis from college, only this was like four years ago, before Youkilis was on the radar, so we didn't really care who "Danimal" knew.) So Jonathan's friend from the Florence Freedom [aliteration rules] said that Youkilis told him that Kevin Millar takes the worst smelling shits in the clubhouse. This is what Jonathan tells me today. He was all excited to be able to tell me this since he just hung out with this guy yesterday on his day off or some shit. He told me a couple other things about some other players, too, like how nice of a guy Ortiz is and how Manny doesn't just act like a silly stoner for no good reason - but some of those things I'm more skeptical about. Too sensational. But Kevin Millar's bowel movements?? Why would somebody lie about that? And more importantly, how in the fuck did this come up in conversation between Youkilis and the Florence Freedom dude, and why did the Florence Freedom dude think to tell this particular detail to my friend Jonathan?

Yet somehow, it fits. I bet Kevin Millar takes some hellacious shits.

By the way, this conversation came up because one of my idiotic co-workers was needling me about how come I was naive enough to not think that Ortiz was on steroids but Barry Bonds is. Jonathan jumped in and said how he was just talking to his friend who knows Kevin Youkilis, and Youk said that all he ever saw the Sox doing was working their asses off. So that's nice to know. Apocryphal in origin, yes, but it's what I want to believe so I'm going to go ahead and believe it.

And did you hear that "Mikey" from the Life Cereal commercials ate Pop Rocks and drank a Coke and died of an exploded stomach? It's true. A friend of a friend told me.

2005-03-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

I have something awful to admit: I don't really enjoy Spring Training games. Yes, it's nice to see the veterans back after a long winter's offseason. Yes, it's really cool to watch some of the up-and-coming prospects do their thing (Juan Cedeno and Hanley Ramírez come to mind.) But overall, it's just not that great. Okay, and it was cool to see Edgar Renteria in a Sox uni for the first time. But other than those three things, spring training games pretty much suck. Oh ya, and it was also great to hear Remy and Orsillo for the first time since early October. (As my blog partner Paulie so eloquently said in a voicemail: "They're like Harpies, and I'm throwing myself against the rocks.") So other than those four things, Spring Training games suck. I mean, I almost don't even bother finding out who won and who lost. My friend Jonathan at work was like "Did you know that one of the Reds has the highest batting average in the league right now?" I dropped my paring knife and gave him a withering stare. "Did you know that it's only March?? Do you know what kind of pitching he's facing? Talk to me in August." With the rare exception of Hanley Ramírez's triple play (which pretty much made me want to touch myself in baseball-geek ecstasy,) I have finally realized that I don't really give a crap about spring training. Is that wrong? Is it un-fan-like for me to still be sitting here with my chin in the palm of my hand, staring glumly into nowhere, pining away for April 3rd? Mike and I have long talked about going down to Florida some year for Spring Training, but actually, I don't think I want to. For one, I'm not an autograph hound, nor am I one of those people who feel the need to talk to/touch/be around celebrities. What am I gonna say to these people that they haven't heard a million times already? "Hey, [insert geeky snort-laugh here] I really like the baseball team you play on, [snort-snort] you guys are like, so cool, [snort-sniffle.]" I mean, for real. I'd rather just leave those people alone. They get harassed enough. For a second thing, I hate - no, loathe - the state of Florida. For a third thing, Spring Training is, overall, pretty lame.

If I were a real baseball blogger, I would be using this month to talk about how the players who are trying out for the team are doing, how I think Tito should set the lineup, how annoyed I was watching Mark Bellhorn strike out three fucking times against the Yankees the other day. But, what can I say - I'm a hack.

In other news, it appears that Curt Schilling will probably not be ready for Opening Day after all. A bout of the flu is further impeding Schilling's progress, and therefore the possibility of David Wells being our Opening Day pitcher looms larger and larger (pardon the pun.) Personally, I think this is a good thing. If Schilling's overactive ego had led him to make the Opening Day start and to be injured come October I would have been a very unhappy camper. And, since Schilling is sick in bed, he won't be giving any interviews any time soon - bonus!

2005-03-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

Sox lose first Spring Training game against the Yankees and I lose three days worth of baseball news.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKK!
I just wrote a big, long post to go with this picture and fucking Blogger had an "Internal Service Error" and erased it!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Okay, I am now supremely pissed. Things like this are capable of ruining my entire day. Fuck you Blogger you fucking ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it will show up in my email or something.....goddamn stupid motherfucking internet.

In lieu of the other, better post that I wrote today, I will tell you about this dream I had the other night which has finally made me realize what a hopeless dork I am and always will be: So I'm living on the cul-de-sac from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, the one underneath the highway overpass where the Johnson House is. And I've just gotten this motorized ten-speed bike that I'm riding up and down the street, and it's summer and I'm all happy and content. When I go back home, my parents (with whom I'm still living in my dream) have gone out on an errand and I'm all alone, so I start watching cartoons in the living room. There is a knock on the door. I open the door, and there stands Manny Ramírez, whom I recognize to be a friend of the family. I let him in, and we sit on the living room floor together and watch some cartoons. Then Manny gets up and says, "I'm kinda tired, I'm going to go take a nap." He walks down the hall and goes into a bedroom and lays down. I follow him.

Okay, ladies and gentleman: Here it is! Sarah finally has had a dream in which she has Manny Ramírez laying prone on a bed - a dream in which anything Sarah can imagine can happen - anything in the world - and what do I do in my dream? What do I do when I walk into the bedroom and find Manny Ramírez laying on my bed? I yell: "Hey, let's wrassle!" and I run, jump, and try to land an Atomic Elbow on him.

Let's Wrassle. That's what I say. And then I try to drop an elbow.

Folks, this is why I'm the biggest loser of all times. I always say that in my head I still feel like a nine-year old, and now here is concrete evidence. At least my husband can be proud because I am faithful to him even in my dreams! ::smooch for Mike::

2005-03-05T11:33:00.000-05:00

My blog partner Paul and I were up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning and spent a lovely 45 minutes on the phone together while we hung out in the Cardinals "waiting room." We managed to score tickets to all three Sox/Cardinals games in June. If anyone out there is going to these games, let me know - maybe we can hook up somewhere. We're also going to a game in Detroit on May 2nd, and Mike and I will be attending at least one game in Cleveland near the end of June. So please feel free to drop me a line either here on this blog or via e-mail (semartin34@cinci.rr.com) if you're going to any of these games and want to tailgate or something.
I'll be away from my computer all weekend, so I probably won't be posting until Tuesday. Until then, as Woody Guthrie said: "Take it easy but take it."

2005-03-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

Sox start Grapefruit League games with a 4-3 win over the Minnesota Twins.
Matt Clement pitched the first two innings of the game, giving up one run in the first but settling down in the second. Clement chalked the rocky first inning up to simple nerves after not having pitched a game in about 6 months, and also came fairly close to gushing about how much he was going to love working with Jason Varitek. "He's everything everybody said he was." Of course he is - why do you think he's got that C on his chest?? The Sox will be playing split squad games today against BC and Northeastern Universities.

The Red Sox gave one-year contracts to several players yesterday, locking up the entire 40-man roster. Among them were Abe Alvarez, Juan Cedeno, Manny Delcarmen, Mark Malaska, Anastacio Martinez, Luis Mendoza, Anibal Sanchez, Chris Smith, Kelly Shoppach, Hanley Ramirez, Kevin Youkilis, Adam Hyzdu and Adam Stern. Adam Stern is a Rule 5 pick whom the Sox are looking at as a potential replacement for Dave Roberts on the bench. It's nice to see the club getting a teeny-tiny bit younger.

Here's a nice, cuddly, fuzzy piece about Kevin Millar. Millar threatened to go sleep with upstairs neighbor Mark Bellhorn if his pregnant wife was going too crazy to allow him to sleep the night before the home opener.

And, if his willpower stays strong, we may never have to see the disgusting spectacle that is Terry Francona's tobacco chewing habit ever again. The man has quit at the request of his children, and so far, so good. Tito said he would have to see how he felt once the real games start and someone throws the eighth ball of the inning, but since Bobby Jones is no longer with the team I can't see how that will be a problem.

And finally, the New York Daily News had a piece today on the Red Sox's success against Yankees closer Mariano Rivera. Of the 14 blown saves credited to Rivera, 5 were against the Red Sox, whereas no other team in baseball has come back against Rivera more than once. The author speculated that no one on the Sox wanted to talk about it for fear of breaking the spell, but I don't think there is anything magical about their success. When you have a lineup that is as good as Boston's, who have faced Rivera as many times as they have, there is bound to be some eventual success. One thing the article didn't touch on was the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Mo was slowing down a fraction as well. He's no spring chicken.

Well, it was nice to hear Jerry Remy's voice for the first time this year, even if it was only the last three minutes of the game I got to watch. Just makes me all the more excited for April 3rd!

2005-03-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

There are so many Sox blogs out there that I feel guilty that I don't really have time to read them all. I'm continually finding new ones that are interesting and well-written and whom I mean to put on my list of links over there on the left, but then I forget the URL and don't remember how to find it again and I somehow never get around to it because I suck. I plan on changing that.
But there are some blogs that I read every day, and because I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy today I want to give some props to some blogs I love, in no particular order:

1) Joy of Sox - This was the first Sox blog I ever read. Alan does an awesome job keeping up on Sox news, always coming up with tons of great links. I sort of miss the political commentary he used to do, since it was virtually my only current events source, but I still love him. One day, after we move to Boston (probably in August), I will find Alan and buy him a beer, cause doggonit, he deserves one.

2) Cursed to First - Aside from being the most talented writer in the Sox blogosphere (in my humble opinion,) Beth is a super cool chick to talk on the phone to. Her blog is always well thought out, and reading her descriptions of games wants me to quit blogging altogether since all I usually do is string a bunch of curse words together. Beth rocks. She, too, will get a beer one day.

3) East Coast Agony - Though not always the most regular poster in the world, BigK always makes it worth the wait. He almost always makes me laugh out loud at least once per post. And his blogging partner is a Mets fan, so it's always fun to read his posts about how horribly the shit is hitting the fan up in Queens. Can't wait to see how that Pedro thing pans out for him.

I have to go to work so the rest of this post must wait.

2005-03-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

This picture is for Paul. R.Kelly is seeing green.

2005-02-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

What goes on in my head as I play endless games of MVP 2005 while putting off housework on my day off:

Orsillo: Hello everybody! It is improbably good weather for early April here in Toronto as the Boston Red Sox get ready to take on the Toronto Blue Jays. The sun is out, the Skydome is open, and the players are about ready to take the field. Red Sox skipper Terry Francona has announced that the Red Sox will be going with a 6-man rotation for most of April to give ace Curt Schilling an extra day of rest each week.

Remy: Ya, Don - even though Schilling was miraculously ready for the opening day victory over the Yankees in which opposing pitcher Randy Johnson got shelled like the beaches at fucking Normandy, Tito is still taking no chances. Schilling isn't exactly happy about it, but what can you do?

Orsillo: So Bronson Arroyo will be the starting pitcher today for the Red Sox, opposite Jay's "ace" Roy Halladay. Taking a look at the Sox starting lineup, we have Johnny Damon batting leadoff, Renteria batting second, Manny Ramirez batting third with Ortiz fourth at DH. We then have Varitek, Millar, Nixon and Mueller, with Bellhorn in the nine hole.

Remy: Manny is off to an absolutely incredible start this year, batting .567 so far, and Ortiz isn't that far behind him. Tell me, though, Don - what is up with Millar this season? He seems to have gotten skinnier and...well, black. Does anyone know that story with this guy? He's also been struggling with the bat a bit, too.

Orsillo: Jerry, no one knows why Millar showed up to camp this year as a black man, but the team is just rolling with it. Millar himself has been making fun of the situation, saying that he is the C.Thomas Howell of Major League Baseball, but players who have had the misfortune to be with Millar in the showers have said that it is definitely not body paint he is wearing, so who knows. As far as the struggles at the plate are going, Papa Jack has been giving Millar a little extra attention and expects him to come around soon.

Remy: Are we sure it's actually Kevin Millar? Has anyone looked into this? I mean, the resemblance just isn't there at all. I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of disturbing.

Orsillo: Don't you have a hotdog stand to open or something? Don't rock the boat, Jerry....And here's the first pitch of the game. Damon takes a weak hack at it and lines weakly out to the first baseman. Let's take a look at the Blue Jays defense.

Remy: Let's not. I mean, the Sox have cream-pied them the last two games - what's the point?
Oh ya, and this game is available in Spanish by turning the SAP function on your television. Buenos tardes, amigos.

Orsillo: Ahem. Right. Renteria flies out to centerfield, and here comes our 2004 World Series MVP, Manny Ramírez. Manny has been on a tear this spring, hasn't he, Jerry?

Remy: Absolutely, Don. I was talking with him the other day and asked him what he thought was the reason for his early hot streak, and Manny said: Krispy Kreme.

Orsillo: Well Manny obviously skipped his breakfast today because he just flied out to shallow centerfield to end the first half of the inning.

(later on, top of the fourth)

Remy: Well, Francona has to be reconsidering his decision about the six-man rotation now. Arroyo is out there with absolutely nothing. I mean he looks fucking terrible. He's got none of his pitches working. The Jays are only leading by one, but that is really not indicative of the garbage that Arroyo has been throwing out there.

Orsillo: Indeed, Jerry. Meanwhile, Halladay has been absolutely magical, setting the entire Sox lineup down in order.

Remy: They really fucking suck today. There's just no excuse for some of the at-bats they've been putting together. Well, wait a minute, they might have something going on here.

Orsillo: Renteria and Manny have both reached on basehits, and now here's Big Papi. He takes the first pitch outside for a ball...Halladay delivers the second pitch - and Ortiz got all of that one! It is way back to straight-away centerfield and gone! The Sox lead 3-1!

Remy: Well it's about time, Don. I thought Arroyo might just die out there on the mound, but let's see if he can get a little confidence back now that he'll be pitching with a lead...

(bottom of the fourth, two outs, Eric Hinske up to bat)

Orsillo: Arroyo looks like he might be settling in now. Here's the pitch - hit down the third base line! Hinske is off like a shot -

Remy: What in the hell is Manny doing out there, playing Simon Says? Run and get the fucking ball, you moron! My god, I've never seen anyone get a worse read off the bat in my entire career, Don.

Orsillo: Meanwhile, Hinske is heading for third! Manny's got the ball - there's going to be a play at the plate - Hinske avoids the tag and is safe with an inside the park home run! Unbelievable. Jerry, I'm not really sure what was going on in Manny's head just now but I'm willing to bet that it wasn't quantum physics.

Remy: To hell with this, Don, I'm going to get a beer.

(top of the fifth, one out, Bellhorn singles to right, Damon strikes out AGAIN)

Remy: Who the hell does Damon think he is, swinging at all these pitches, Shea Hillenbrand?

Orsillo: Actually, Jerry, Hillenbrand is on the Blue Jays now and is 2 for 2 right now with a single and a double.

Remy: Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick...

Orsillo: Here comes Renteria with Bellhorn on first - and Renteria CRUSHES over the centerfield wall! He saw the first pitch coming and just let loose. The Sox lead 5-2. Now Manny steps into the batter's box, no doubt with something to prove after his adventure in left field last inning. And Manny takes Halladay deep on the first pitch as well! That's back to back home runs, and the Sox now lead 6-2!

Remy: And to think that Halladay earned a Cy Young award over Pedro Martinez. That's like giving Lil Jon a Grammy for "Crunk Juice" instead of Alicia Keys. Unbelievable...

Orsillo: Wwwwwwhhhhhhat?

Remy: I said that was unbelievable.

Orsillo: Wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhat?

Remy: I SAID it was UNBELIEVABLE.

Orsillo: Ooookaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

Remy: Hey Don, ever had a RemDawg? Cause if not, I got one for you right here, pal -

Orsillo: Sweet Jesus, Ortiz clobbered that pitch into the seats in left field for yet another home run off of Roy Halladay, making it three in a row! I can't believe no one has pulled the pitcher!

Remy: Someone zoom in on the Toronto bench...Grady, is that you?

Orsillo: The Sox are now ahead by five runs. Looks like we're going to get to see a game of baseball after all.

(later on, bottom of the ninth)

Remy: Well, Arroyo managed to hold on to the lead, which is amazing considering it looked like he left his stuff dead on a mattress at a Motel 8 this morning. He really had some difficulty early on.

Orsillo: Ya, Jerry, we've all been there. I'm sure you remember what it was like trying to do the color commentary after Pesky's last birthday party.

Remy: Oh yes, Pin the Bunny-Tail on the Hooker - how could I ever forget?

Orsillo: And Matt Mantei climbs the ladder on Rios for the final out and the Red Sox win it 7-3. The Sox now have a two game lead in the AL East, followed by the Jays in second place, the Orioles in third, the D-Rays in fourth and the New York Yankees in dead-fucking-last. It's almost too good to be true, isn't it Jerry?

2005-02-28T10:38:00.000-05:00

A couple quick things:
Check out this feel-good story on Tim Wakefield, who seems like one of the nicest people in the world. Unfortunately, I still think he should be the one to go to the bullpen if and when Wade Miller is healthy enough to join the starting rotation. Nice guys always come in last.

Keeping in the pitching vein, Abe Alvarez is scheduled to start a spring training game against the Yankees, which is way cool. Alvarez pitched the first game of a day/night doubleheader last year against the Orioles in which he received a loss, but will be first among minor league pitchers to get called up when the need arises. I can't wait to have a look at some of these minor leaguers I've been hearing so much about. If they pan out and turn into productive Red Sox one day, I will make a bronze statue of Theo Epstein and worship it like a heathen in ancient Babylon because the man not only delivered unto us the Holy Grail, but he also turned around the Unholy Farm System.

And, finally, an article from someone about Millar's continuing quest to improve his reputation as a defensive first baseman. Let me just say that I, for one, really don't think that Millar is that bad at first base, and I'm a little confused as to why he is excoriated for his defensive play. Now, right field is a totally different story - in right field, Millar turns into in a fucking whirlwind nightmare. But on the bag, he's not that bad. The worst memory I have of Kevin Millar defensively was his failure to flip the ball to an on-coming Pedro Martínez in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, and then winding up flat on his belly watching the runner tag up safely. That sucked. But other than that, I think he's just fine. Plus I hated Mientkiewicz.

And I should mention the fickle nature of my character. All winter long I've been whining about how I can't wait until spring training. Now that Spring Training is here, I'm whining about not being able to wait for the regular season to start. Why don't I just shut up?

2005-02-25T11:01:00.001-05:00

.

Some screen shots from the new MVP 2005 on PS2.

WARNING: This game will make you FIEND for Opening Day.

This videogame shit keeps on getting more and more realistic. This game has everything. The rosters are up to date (with a few exceptions, like Sosa still being on the Cubs.) The batters swing like their real-life counterparts. The pitchers wind up and follow through like their real-life counterparts. Every ballpark is amazingly detailed. (Except on the Green Monster, instead of the Jimmy Fund thing it says "World Series Champs" on it, and hey - that wouldn't be a bad idea for a year!) And did I mention that our very own Manny Ramírez is on the cover? Another cool thing about MVP 2005 is that you can play it two player, but only if you have a special adapter, which we don't. My husband and I have just been taking turns each playing an inning apiece, and it works out fine. I hit a grand slam over the Green Monster with Trot last night, and struck out the side once with Curt Schilling. (We're still learning.) It's super cool. The only bad thing is that if you don't pull your runners up at first base, sometimes they slip into some sort of "Manny Mode" and just keep running, which sucks if you are in "Manny Mode" yourself and are giving high-fives to your husband over your base hit instead of paying attention to the game. And also, since Kevin Millar isn't allowed to be in any of these games, they just made some guy up to fill in for him, and it happens to be a thin, brown-skinned guy with a blonde goatee named Anthony, which is sort of funny. All in all I have to give this game two guns way up and recommend it highly if baseball video games are your thing. If they're not, better not try to come over and hang out for the next two or three months.

2005-02-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

A tshirt is worth a thousand words.

There are a couple cool articles on The Bell in the papers this morning. I love Bellhorn, and I love his hockey haircut. Long may he reign.

2005-02-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

Bring it on!!!

Nonny, nonny, the gang's all here! Unfortunately, I had to take Manny Ramirez off of my "Who's Hot in the World of Men" list. Until further notice, Manny is only hot from the neck down, which disqualifies him from being on the small, highly selective "Who's Hot" list since complete overall hotness is required. The standings are expected to change as soon as Manny gets that dirty mop off of his head.

And speaking of cool people with wack haircuts:

I got my hurr did again.
Arroyo jokes need not apply. ;)

It's that time of year again: time for every baseball periodical in the world to predict the Red Sox second to the Yankees in the AL East. What else is new. But I say Fuck That! Not only are the Red Sox going to go deep into October again this year, but they are going to finish first in the Eastern Division and keep the boot tight on those pinstripey motherfuckers' necks. That's my prediction. But than again, I've also predicted that the Indians will win the AL Central this year, so what the fuck do I know.
Every magazine I've read - Street & Smiths, Athlon, Lindy's and the Sporting News baseball preview - has brought up questions concerning the starting rotation for this year as the main thing holding the Sox back to second place. For one thing, will they stay healthy? My Magic 8Ball says "No." Last year the entire rotation - even Pedro - was healthy for the entire season. But there are a couple of question marks this year, namely Schilling's ankle and Wade Miller's rotator cuff, closely followed by David Wells's back. However, there are six starters for five spots in the rotation, not to mention John Halama, who can spot-start in a pinch, which provides the Sox with some protection should anyone go down. Another starting rotation question: Will the 2005 rotation be equal in production to the 2004 staff? Again, a lot will depend on Wade Miller's return to health, as well as Clement's ability to adjust to the tougher AL batting lineups. If healthy, a starting rotation of Schilling, Wells, Miller, Clement and Arroyo should be able to come quite close to matching last year's win totals. Remember last year that Wakefield was very inconsistent and that Arroyo's 10 wins were not reflective of his solid performance. This year, Wakefield will hopefully be in the bullpen and Arroyo up somewhere around 12-14 wins which, for a number five starter, ain't that bad.

The one area about which no one had anything negative to say was the offense and the bench. Well no kidding. Top to bottom, the batting order is a machine. Hopefully we can put all that "career year" bullshit from 2003 to rest, finally. I have to say, however, that as much as I love Mark Bellhorn, I don't really expect him to have a year like last year, but hey, I could be wrong. He did hit 27 homers one year, so I guess anything can happen. But I expect him to be dwelling near the bottom of the lineup for most of the year.

Hanley Ramirez was universally picked as the best prospect in the organization - yet another shocker. But one magazine suggested that, should the Red Sox season be a failure, Theo could trade Ramirez to fill a hole. I think that this would be a mistake. By all accounts, Hanley is very near to being ready for a shot at the majors, and I'd love to see him take over centerfield next year. He has mentioned a willingness to move to the outfield, and he was tearing it up in the Dominican Winter Leagues this year, so I would assume that his slugging ability is just about there, too. I think that there is also a good chance that we will see Kevin Youkilis join the starting lineup next year as well - maybe even earlier if Bill Mueller's knee continues to be a shit-pit mess. Jon Lester, Jon Papelbon and Abe Alvarez were all mentioned as the organization's top pitching prospects, and position players Dustin Pedroia and Brandon Moss were given a nod as well.

And that is my brief tour of the baseball magazines' take on the 2005 Boston Red Sox, for whatever it's worth. Um, I have no way to end this post, so uhm, goodbye, and stuff.

2005-02-22T12:22:00.000-05:00

Sweet Jesus YES! YES! YEEEEESSSSS!

Just seeing this makes the cold weather bearable. Now - donde esta Manuel??

2005-02-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

Who wouldn't want to pile on this?

A-Rod is getting beat down like a crippled child molester in a San Quentin shower room.
Now, normally, I am one of those people that quickly tire of hearing the same thing over and over and over. For example, I refuse to see either "Meet the Parents" or "Meet the Fockers" because I'm so tired of hearing people tell me how great they are. I've never seen an episode of Seinfeld (that's right folks, never) because I got tired of hearing about it before I had a chance to see it. Kramer, George, "No soup for you!" Blah blah blah. Okay, I get it, I get it. But this A-Rod thing...somehow it just never stops being funny to me. Yes, there's been a lot of it going around. And maybe it is class-less. But it's like waiting in a traffic jam for an hour and a half and then finally driving past the smoking wreckage and trying to force yourself NOT to look at any dead bodies or triage cases - it's horrible to witness, yet strangely compelling. It's like in Lord of the Flies, when the weaker Piggy had the Conch and was attempting to speak, and the other stronger, more feral kids dropped a huge fucking rock on his head. (Only Piggy was infinitely more likeable than A-Rod.) Something primal in me is satisfied by seeing Alex Rodriguez thoroughly tonge-lashed. Proof that I am a terrible and vidictive person, but I guess I could blame that on my zodiacal sign if I believed in that shit. So I say bombs away, Boston Red Sox. My husband is waiting for Cesar Crespo to take a pot-shot. Now, wouldn't that be something?

And here are some new additions to our wardrobe:

JD

Big Dada. I love this jersey so much it makes my chest hurt to look at it.

Full Squad workouts today! I. MUST. HAVE. PICTUUUUURRRRRRRES!

2005-02-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me preface this with a short apology to those of you who post comments on this blog. I don't exactly know what the comment protocol is, but I get worried that I'm supposed to respond to the comments people leave me, but I'm always at work when people are leaving them since I have a scum-bag second-shift gig. So, thanks for the comments, and I'm sorry that I'm not around until 11pm to respond to them, but I appreciate your readership.

Anyway, back to baseball.

Weird. Just weird.
But at least Boomer seems to be an honest dude. When asked about how he ended up on the Boston Red Sox after his years of tenure as a Yankee pitcher, Wells said this: "...Then Theo [Epstein] called me the next day and asked if I was interested in coming to Boston. I told him, `I don't know. I'd have to think about it.' Fact is, I've never said anything good about it. I've always been an archrival. We sat and talked over the phone and worked it out." I like that he didn't just show up with a bunch of ingenious comments about how excited he was to add to the rivalry and all that crap. I might not like David Wells, but at least he's keepin' it real.

Wells also added to what the New York Daily News referred to as a "pile-on assault against Alex Rodriguez" by the Red Sox: "[Rodriguez] is a five-tool player. He's one of the best out there. But I remember reading his press conference when he went there. He said a `we' in his conference, like he's won three or four rings with them, and he hasn't. That kind of disturbed me . . . He shouldn't put himself in that category, like he's been there the whole time. He's got to earn it." Basically, A-Rod, what everyone is trying to tell you is that you're not cut from the same pinstriped cloth that the rest of your Yankee "buddies" are. (I would venture to suggest that this lable of unworthiness would also extend to Gary Sheffield and Kevin Brown, put unfortunately no one has piled on them yet. I've got a pile for you right here, assholes.) I love this line of attack because it probably pisses A-Rod off more than anything. He wants so badly to fit in, but his insecurity takes the form of arrogance and outright vanity, and he keeps putting off the very clique to which he's trying to belong with his self-obsessed bullshit.

Unfortunatly, Terry Francona does not enjoy the A-Rod bashing as much as I do, and has talked about having a team meeting with the goal being to stop the shit-talking. I see his point. Talking smack is pretty unprofessional and uncalled for...but A-Rod is so weak and slimy, and his come-backs suck. When you run across a dude like that it's like blood in shark-infested water...Francona also wants to get Bill Belichick down to Florida to talk to his team about the pitfalls of defending a championship, which would be, like, way cool.

And speaking of shit-talking, Curt Schilling wasted no time in opening his big yap as soon as pitchers and catchers reported. In summary: "Blah blah blah my ankle blah blah Randy Johnson blah blah blah more subtle slams at Pedro blah blah blah." I don't know to whom exactly the "how long before I have to stop listening to you" shirt was aimed, but I commiserate.

p.s. I scored a 156 on the Sleeze Test. My blog partner, Paulie, scored a 162. I know what makes up our difference, and while I can't disclose it fully, I've got one word for you, Paul: Amsterdam.

2005-02-17T11:16:00.000-05:00

Fuck this.

Apparently the Red Sox Powers That Be are afraid of being "insensitive" by handing out the 2004 World Championship rings at the Red Sox home opener since that game will be played against one of the teams they defeated to get the title - the MotherFucking Yankees. This is some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard. For one thing, the Sox don't owe the Yankees a goddamn thing, cause you know for sure that Steinbrenner would go ahead with it if the shoe was on the other foot. I have been looking forward to that moment all winter; getting to see the Sox handed their rings while Slappy, Captain Intangibles, Jorge Passballa and all the other Pinstripers get to look on from the visiting dugout, hopefully with thoughts of their horrible choke job and how that could have been them dancing in their heads on what would surely be one of the sweetest days of my baseball fandom. But no. Some politically correct motherfucker is trying to rain on my parade, and I don't like it. It's not my fault as a fan that the schedule for 2005 was rigged for tv ratings, with the first and last weeks of the season being filled with Yankees games, and neither is it our fault that the Yankees suffered from the worst case of Dick In Mouth Disease in the history of baseball last October. Lets see the Sox get their rings on the day of their home opener just like any other team would, and fuck the Yankees and their hurt feelings.

The article did say one thing that cheered me up, however: "Out of respect to Garciaparra and Martínez, numbers 45 and 5 will not be given out this season and possibly longer. Both are candidates to have their number retired at Fenway at some point in the future." Sweet!

And finally, it's the first Official Day of Spring Training! Whoopppeeeeeeeeee!

2005-02-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

We're only one day away from the start of the 2005 baseball season, and only a month and a half away from Opening day, when the Sox will step onto the field at Yankee Stadium as official defenders of the World Championship Title. But the Sox/Yanks rivalry seems to be in midseason form already, with Trot sniping at A-Rod from Ft. Meyers. In reference to an earlier interview in which Rodriguez bragged about his tough workout schedule and insinuated that other baseball players were at home asleep or taking their kids to school, Trot asked: "What makes you so much better?....I'm not a deadbeat dad....OK, you're a clown....When people ask me about the Yankees, I tell them about Jeter, Bernie Williams, Posada. I don't tell them about Rodriguez." Right on, Trot - you tell 'em, kiddo. I'm tired of A-Rod's constant self-martyrdom as well. It makes A-Rod look like a delusional, arrogant idiot who obviously thinks he's better than everyone else in baseball, including his own teammates. If he was that much better than everyone else, then why did he go 2-17 in the last four games of the ALCS? And how about when he was finally driven by his own cheap desperation to slap at Arroyo's glove to try to give himself a moment of glory? Fuck you, A-Rod.

Speaking of the Yankees, yesterday while I was doing laundry in the basement, I started reading "Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty," by Buster Olney. An excellent read, especially since I am totally baseball starved right now. Even though the book was about how fucked up and dysfunctional that organization is, it sort of gave me a new, though grudging, respect for the team by using a lot of their past glories held up as examples against their current fucked-upedness. Good read.

2005-02-14T10:26:00.000-05:00

There's something about spring training that makes me so happy that I think I might hug Kenny Lofton, too. Actually I've found myself wanting to hug him before, when he failed to catch that bloop which resulted in a blown save by Rivera, but that was a long time ago. Kenny Lofton is no longer with the dirty Pinstripers. Manny Ramírez will probably still be hugging anyone and everyone he can find, but this year he won't just be "Manny Ramírez, Sarah's Favorite Playa and Best Right-Handed Hitter in the Game," he will be "Manny Ramírez, Defending World Champion, Yeeeeaaaaaah, Beeeitches, How You Like Me Now??"

A lot of things will be different this year.

1. First thing that comes to my mind is: No more 1918 chants. None of us ever have to hear that number ever again. Ever. And don't believe the media hype - it feels fucking awesome to be a fan of a winning team. The only thing that could possibly make me feel any cooler is if they went out and won it all again this year.

2. We will never have to see those hideous red alternate jerseys again. Apparently Derek Lowe thought that they were good luck. I think they made everyone look like a big fat tomato.

3. Shortstop won't be a revolving door this year. That position belongs solely to one Edgar Renteria. I saw three or four Cardinals games last year (one of the few benefits of living in a National League town,) and Renteria was fun to watch. This is one of the guys who is going to make me say "Man, that's kinda fucked up," the first time I see him in a Sox uniform, but I'm looking forward to it.

4. Which brings me to David Wells. I can't say that I'm necessarily looking forward to seeing him in a Sox uniform, but it will definitely be fucked up. I guess there always has to be that one dude on the team who I just root for because of the B on his hat, and this year I think it's gonna be David Wells. Which is funny because he sort of replaced Derek Lowe, who was my least favorite player from last season. Wells is a douchebag. This opinion might be mitigated by his health status and his accumulation of wins over the course of the year, but I'm not holding my breath.

5. I wonder when it's finally going to sink in that Pedro is actually gone for real. I've already seen him training with the Mets...but it's just not getting through yet.

6. I'm going to kick off this season with a little faith and confidence in Terry Francona, whereas last year around this time I had no faith in him whatsoever, and then he went on to prove me right for four months.

But the more things change, the more things stay the same. There will still be baseball in that beautiful green box of a ballpark they call Fenway. Jerry Remy will still be announcing and we'll still hear stories about Don Orsillo's adventures at RemDawg's. I'm sure that we'll still be persecuted by the Foxwoods commercials and the 4th inning Aflack trivia question. There will be wins and losses, day games, night games, Patriot's day games, dramatic homeruns, dramatic and gut clenching errors (not to mention any names (manny)), Green Monster shots, Dale Sveum's Windmill of Futility, Sweet Caroline, Dirty Water...all of the good stuff. Some of the bad. Not too far away now...

There is something about spring training. Seeing pictures of the team working out in various stages of appropriate dress, and always with that low, flat Florida horizon behind them. It's like the first sign that the world is going to warm up again after shithole winter. Even before the first leaf bud on a tree or the first gusty, 60 degree day when you can feel the sun shining overhead with just a little bit more gusto...Somewhere it is warm, and somewhere a bunch of dudes are playing baseball. And when they come up to play for us, they'll bring the warm weather and sunshine with them.

2005-02-12T02:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I am actually going to type this: I have never had more respect for any of the Yankees than I have for Jason Giambi. Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Big Mac, I-Rod, whoever, go fuck yourselves. You can't carry Giambi's tiny little steroid riddled jock. When every major athlete who was nailed for cheating (as that was taking steroids is), they either denied it until they were under oath. Only then admitted to thinking it was hand lotion or a sports drink (Sheffield and Bonds) or have all together just straight up denied it (McGwire and Sosa, even though Sosa looks more comic book character like than human being).

Giambi came clean. He said he took steroids. His post steroid career has been a joke. The Yankees want to void his contract (fucking pay it already, you offered him the money), and have signed Tino Martinez, the re-replacer. Martinez was let go to make room for Giambi, not it is full circle.

I actually feel bad for the man. Because of the legalities of the BALCO case, he can't even acknowledge what he talked about, as his"confidential" grand jury testimony was leaked to a newspaper. All he can do is say he is sorry. Who hasn't made a mistake? If you were a marginal baseball player, had a wife and kids, and stuck making $1000 a month in the minors and you could get an edge that might lead you to enough money for you and all of your families lives, wouldn't you consider it? I know I would. Have you ever bad-mouthed someone to get ahead? If the answer is yes, than what makes Giambi worse than you? At least he admitted to the world that he fucked up, which is more than most people can say.

I still hate the Yankees with every ounce of my being. I want them to have the highest payroll in baseball and loose every game in the most humiliating way possible. I hate Jeter, A-Rod, Tino, Sheffield, Matsui, Rivera, Moose, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, even though last year I could give a shit less about him, Torre, and especially the little rat man, Jorge Possada. I hate all of them. This has been my mantra every year, except now I am a Giambi fan. Although I want every Yankee to hit .086 and want Andy Pettittee and Roger Clemens to combine for more RBIs than the whole Yankee team, I want Giambi to do well. Show people you can do well clean and seriously fuck yourself when you take steroids.

Sarah's Rebuttal:
Well, everybody, I've long suspected it, and now here is proof that Paul is a better person than me because, as they say, "to err is human, but to forgive is divine." I'm nowhere near forgiving that son of a bitch worm Giambi, much less rooting for his cheating ass. I don't care how many times he says he's sorry. I don't care if he shows up at my house with a case of Newcastle and a mountain of Indian take-out and seventeen latina strippers and gets down on his hands and knees and begs me for forgiveness, I still wouldn't like the guy.

I haven't forgotten the two homers he hit off of Pedro in game 7 of the ALCS - the same game the Red Sox lost by one fucking run. In my mind, Jason Giambi stole from me, he stole from Pedro, he stole from the 2003 Red Sox and he stole from every Red Sox fan, and I hate his guts. Perhaps my sentiments should be tempered by the Sox's 2004 championship, but I find that when I remember game 7, I still feel sick to my stomach a little bit. So fuck you, Giambi.

But Paul, you're a little angel! :)

2005-02-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

Well, aren't all you New England types just lucky as all get-out with your fancy-pants ALCS re-runs. I bet you think you're sooooooooooo smart, don't you? I bet you're having just a wonderful, gay old time watching your baseball and scoffing at me, the unlucky denizen of Ohio who, instead of getting to relive with you your fabulous baseball memories, lives in a Red Sox-less exile, forced to endure conversations about how Eric Milton is going to propel the Reds past the Cardinals this year. (Ahem, not a chance.) Well....fine. Fine. But just know this. You're not the only one who can watch the ALCS over again. No sir eee. I could watch it too 'cause I have them on tape so HA! Except we taped over games 1, 2 and 3, and we didn't even bother taping game 4. And then Game 5 was so long that the tape ended and we were forced to start taping over the beginning of the game, so if you watch it now you see the last two innings first, and then the middle eight innings, which is pretty dumb. So really we only have Games 6 and 7 in their entirety. So, uh, that's pretty half-ass, I guess.

But, I ask you - can any of you watch David Ortiz's Easter walk-off homerun against the Blue Jays? Can you watch the Sox/Dodgers game with Pedro on the mound featuring Pokey's amazing, sky-scraping play at second base? Can you watch the mid-season Rangers game with Trot Nixon dropping a vicious elbow on the Pedro Martínez bobblehead doll? Or how about Game 5 of the 2003 ALDS? Or Cabby's walk-off homer against the Orioles? Can you watch that? HUH? Well I can, so there. I bet NESN won't be replaying THOSE games any time soon. You'd have to know someone as cool as ME who had the foresight to tape all those games and be able to go over to MY crib and watch them. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

Now then, that's said...

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I WANNA WATCH TOOOOOOOOOO!

2005-02-09T01:37:00.000-05:00

...dude...

Does Pedro, like, shave his armpits?
Eeeew. Creepy.

2005-02-07T05:49:00.000-05:00

A Dynasty is Born.

My grandpa is 84 years old, and if you get him talking about sports, he'll tell you some pretty cool stories. Last time we were talking about baseball he was reminiscing about all the great Cardinals teams he had seen over the years and how much he loved watching Stan Musial play. If I ever have kids, and if they ever have kids, then I'll be telling my grandkids about Tom Brady's Patriots and the year the Red Sox finally won the World Series. That's how cool this year has been in the world of sports. I mean, damn...how can it get any better than this? What next - are the Celtics gonna win, too? I do believe that would signal the opening of the Seventh Seal and the true start of the Apacolypse.

So. The SuperBowl is over, another happy ending for the Patriots. Now begins the long, agonizing wait for Spring Training. This is the time of year where I start to get desperate. Cold weather, no baseball, short daylight hours, college basketball...ugh. I'm dying for some 80-degree weather, a little sunshine, and my nightly sermons at the Church of Baseball conducted by the Reverend Jerry Remy. Opening Day is still almost two months away, and how sweet it will be.

Looking ahead, 2005 seems to be shaping up as a pretty interesting year. First and foremost I am interested to see how the rotation pans out. There are a couple of question marks that could either turn out to be brilliant (Wade Miller comes back to full strength and turns into a legit No. 2 behind Schilling,) or terrible (David Wells throws his back out getting down off a bar stool.) Then there is Matt Clement, who will also be interesting to watch. The guy has a lot of potential, but switching from the NL to the AL is pretty tough. And while we're talking about the starting rotation, it's going to be very, very strange when I finally realize that Pedro is no longer in it.

My second thing that I'm looking forward to is watching Edgar Renteria. Yes, we're paying the guy way more than he is worth. However, I like his type of ballplayer - contact hitters who can flash some leather. Homeruns are great and dramatic, but good defense is bad ass. I'm looking forward to watching Renteria do his thing.

And then there are the little things. Will Bellhorn have a year comparable to 2004? Will Trot stay healthy for the majority of the season? Will Manny still be wearing the dead octopus hairdo? Is Kevin Millar really going to show up to spring training in shape? It's so hard to have to wait!!

2005-02-05T11:22:00.000-05:00

TOMMY BALLGAME

Go Patriots!

2005-02-02T02:18:00.000-05:00

Gnarly work injury that is healing improperly.

Nathan (a.k.a. Sugar Sheatzley) trying to figure out what the fuck it is.

This is the unfortunate thumb of one of my sous chefs, Frakes (also known as "Poopsie" or "ShitCurtain.") Frakes nearly lopped the corner of this particular digit off with his brand new knife and tried to coerce the piece left hanging off to grow back on...obviously it's not working out for him. Anyhow, when Mike got home from work last night he told me how fucked up Frakes' thumb was, so I was pretty excited to get a peep at it tonight. Fortunately for you all, I had my camera with me. Frakes gets all the good injuries.
Incidentally, Frakes is the originator of the Rally Cuff. He's the one who started doing it, and for this reason he has most of the good rally cuff mojo...it only works for me sometimes. Here's another picture of Frakes for your edification:

Frakes is on the left. The one on the right is my other sous chef, Jonathan. Bet they're glad they let me take this picture now. We're all trained professionals - please don't try this at home.

2005-01-30T19:05:00.000-05:00

It's cool to be a cook. :)

Looking at this picture reminds me of a conversation that Mike and I have had a couple times: If the Red Sox 25- man roster worked in our kitchen, what jobs would they have?

We always start out by saying who we'd want for a station partner. You work side-by-side with your station partner about 30-hours a week, so it's super important that you get along well. And assuming that you're going to be the lead cook on the station, you need your partner to be able to handle his/her job so that you're not constantly getting yelled at by the chef team because your station is in disarray. And furthermore, ideally you want someone who is intelligent, quick, and capable. So that pretty much ruled Manny out of the running for my Fantasy Fish Partner. If I had to pick someone out of the 2004 roster to be my station partner I would have picked Cabrera, hands down. He's fast, he's smart, and he's down with the handshake thing so he could learn our Fish Station Secret Handshake with no problem. (Yes, it actually exists because we're nerds.) Mike picked Millar, because Mike likes to be entertained. I personally would picture Millar as more of a pantry-type guy - low-level responsibility with lots of time to fuck around with everyone else in the kitchen.

I hate to say this, but Manny seems like the cool dishwasher that would work the window by my station and whom I would constantly be teasing and slipping free food every now and then. Varitek would be the chef controlling the line from the middle. Bellhorn would be a busboy. I could picture Ortiz working meat station, perhaps...he's one of those guys who is real big and sort of bulky but moves faster and is more efficient than you would imagine. Pedro would be a server, since they are usually a) charismatic, b) ingrateful drama magnets and c) gay, or at least really effeminate. And I am giggling right now picturing Pedro making bananas foster tableside in a tuxedo! Johnny Damon would make a great steward - the guy that does all the ordering for the restaurant and deals with all the purveyors, who mainly stays in the basement but who gets along with everybody. I could picture Bill Mueller as a fish purveyor, walking backwards through the backdoor, pulling a handtruck laden with dungeness crab and tuna loins.

Ya. So. This is the kind of thing you start thinking about when you don't have any details from an actual fucking baseball game to ruminate upon. I'm all excited about spring training starting, but actual Opening Day is all the way in April!!! ::swoons with back of hand pressed to forehead in a "woe-is-me" type of gesture::

2005-01-28T01:06:00.000-05:00

Took out my braids. I look ridiculous. Thought I'd share before I take a shower.

Um, is it spring training yet?

Wow, that's about as girly as I think I've ever looked. Gross.

Anyway - thanks to someone for letting me know that El Guapo hasn't been kidnapped but has merely been vacationing on the beach for ten days. Which is a hell of a lot better than him falling victim to some sort of "Romancing the Stone" type of deal wherein he is in the hands of a bunch of cutthroat Colombians who are threatening to feed his hands to alligators, only to be rescued by Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, who have spent the previous two weeks machete-ing their way through jungles and high-heeled shoes ("Now they're practical") and throwing huge bags of pot onto bonfires in the backs of crashed drug-running planes filled with dead pilots and snakes.

2005-01-27T11:55:00.000-05:00

I think Tony Massarotti has been reading my blog. On Millar vs. Mientkiewicz: "Seriously, people, was this even a decision?" Dude, holla if you hear me.

If I had to pick one Boston sportswriter who would read my blog for real, however, it would definitely be Dan Shaughnessy, so that he could read about what a bitter, old, loveless fuck-up I think he is. Here, I'm going to make a list of people that I would like to run into on the street sometime when I am staggeringly drunk and my inhibitions are at an extreme low:
1. Dan Shaughnessy
2. Peyton Manning
3. Rocco DiSpirito (the "chef" from the show "The Restaurant")
4. Pedro Martínez (who knows, this could actually happen in April. Headline in the sports page of the Cincinnati Post: "Young Over the Rhine Woman Assaults Mets Pitcher with his Own Bobblehead Doll While Screaming 'Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire.'")
5. Carrot Top

Elsewhere in the world, Rich Garces, a.k.a. El Guapo, is missing and feared kidnapped in Venezuela.......You know, I used to have this daydream when I was a kid about taking a car from Cincinnati all the way down through Mexico and South America to the tip of Chile. My family was friends with a bunch of Colombians because the guy upstairs from us married this beautiful Colombian woman, and her family would tell me about how beautiful their region of the world was (they would also give me shots of Aguadiente and have me stand on their shoes and salsa dance with me) and would teach me some spanish and stuff, and I wanted to go down there with them....but there is NO WAY I could make that trip now. I might make it through Mexico and Guatemala, but getting through El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, Colombia and Venezuela sounds like it might be asking for a machete to the forehead. Let's make a list of places Sarah would like to go but which are now too violent to encourage tourism:
1. Egypt
2. Jerusalem
3. Central/South America
4. Gary, Indiana
5. Eastern/Central Africa
Why do people have to fuck everything up? Anyhow, I hope Rich Garces (and Ugie's mama) will be safe and sound ASAP...and maybe he should consider an off-season home in Florida?

2005-01-26T03:25:00.000-05:00

I got a new haircut. So Paul, here is the picture you were asking for!

While I was at the bar getting this done my good friend and co-blogger Paulie called me. I was like "Dude, I'm at Barleycorns getting my hair braided!" and we went on to have (two) fairly lengthy conversation(s), and meanwhile I'm clenching my hands into fists to keep from making any sounds into the phone that would relay at all the level of discomfort I was feeling. Everyone told me that after you get your hair braided that your scalp hurt because your hair was being pulled so tight. That part's not so bad - right now, the morning after, it's like a very low-level throb which is only noticeable if I think about it. But actually getting the shit braided was pretty painful...like, just imagine someone pulling the short hairs around your ears and neck really hard for about two hours and that's what it was like. But no pain no gain. I think it's pretty cool. I've got mad product in it right now to help it stay together because my hair is so short, but in a couple of months it will be long enough to stay in on its own.

Anyway, back to baseball. Goodbye and good riddance to Doug Mienkiewicz - it's Millar time once again! I'm so glad that Theo et. al. decided upon this course of action. There's no way that Mientkiewicz could ever fill Millar's shoes in any areas of Kevin's expertise like growing creative yet ugly facial hair, tawlkin' like a hillbilleh, wearing mirrored sunglasses, wearing socks pulled up so high that you can see the stirrups, taking whirpool baths with Manny (supposedly with their sliding shorts on, but I think we all know better,) and generally being the loudmouth dirtbag that I've come to love so much, need I even dip into the statistical offensive gap between the two. So Mientkiewicz: take your baseball and your annual six homeruns and get the fuck out of here.

Only 22 days until spring training and it can't come fast enough.

Every time I get on a good roll when I'm typing, the Pedro Martinez World Series Bobblehead we have - complete with Jericurl and trophy - starts nodding furiously. It makes me laugh.

2005-01-24T13:20:00.000-05:00

First off, let me just let out a big "Fuck Yeah!" for the New England Patriots, who whipped up on the Steelers last night to go to their second consecutive Superbowl. Some asides on this topic:

a) I got to watch the game with this guy I know from Detroit, who is one of those type of people who come from a town with shitty baseball/football teams and will therefore hate on any baseball/football teams who are successful, i.e. the Boston Red Sox and the New England Patriots. This has caused several arguements between him, my husband and I, especially when there is beer involved. So after a couple weeks of listening to this guy try to mumble about how great the Colts and Steelers are while giving Deuling BlowJobs to Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger, it was a real pleasure to be able to watch last night's game with him. He quickly changed his tune from "Big Ben! He's the best thing to happen to Pittsburgh since indoor plumbing!" to "Hey, give the guy a break, he's only a rookie!" Get back up on the porch, little doggie.

b) I am very, very happy for Corey Dillon. Here's a dude who was completely villified in Cincinnati, who was hated on by just about everyone in the city, who was completely miserable playing here, who suffered through a shit ton of losing seasons with the Bengals (and I'm talking losing, like 2-14 losing) who is now on one of the winningest teams in football about to play in his first Superbowl ever. That is so fucking cool to me. I think just because I, too, hate Cincinnati that I empathize with the guy, and I'm always happy to see people get the hell out of this city. It will be my turn one day...and not too far in the near future, either.....but that's a post for another time.

And last night, as Mike and I were getting ready to go to sleep, we decided to put on an old Red Sox game and go to sleep with the wonderful drone of Remy and Orsillo in our ears. Mike picked out the tape of the Sox/Indians game we attended in September, 2003.

We left the house at 6:00 in the morning to make the four-hour drive to Cleveland and arrive in time to watch batting practice. Unfortunately, they weren't letting people in the park to watch BP, but we were still one of the first people inside when they finally did open the gates, and we were able to run down to the wall by the visiting dugout and watch the players warm up. This was the first Red Sox game I got to see live, since we live in a National League town, so it was amazing to me to see the players up close and in real life, not just some little dudes running around inside my television. Nomar was doing quick sprints. Kapler was walking around doing arm excercises. Tek walked by with all of his equipment on. Manny and Millar were doing some half-ass stretches while standing there chatting to each other. I was like "Holy shit, that's actually Manny Ramírez...he's like...a real person and shit. Wow." It was cool to realize that they were all just folks, just normal people. I liked that.

The game started. Pedro was pitching, and he was brilliant. The game ended as a 2-0 shutout with the Sox coming away victorious. The only real action of the game - Manny smacking a double off of the outfield wall right below our seats - unfortunately occurred while Mike was standing in line for some Moutain Dew, but we still left happy. Our section of the bleachers started a "Let's go Red Sox" chant which became so loud and boisterous that we were booed by the rest of the stadium and some people in front of us even threw some garbage our way. Which was cool.

Watching the tape of that game last night, I marveled at how, in a year and a couple of months, most of the guys on that team would be World Champions. They, of course, couldn't see it coming...hell, they didn't even know Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS was going to happen to them yet. But I knew the ultimate ending of their story while I drifted off to sleep, and how fucking cool is it?

2005-01-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

Read this and laugh your ass off.

Oh A-Rod, your pathetic posturing and your martyrdom complex are endlessly amusing. I wish I was a professional sports journalist; I would interview this guy constantly, and I would play him like a fucking fiddle. I bet I could pull a Barbara Walters and make him cry within ten minutes. What an asshole. I'll tell you this much - that guy would never make it at the restaurant I work at with skin that thin. A-Rod...feh.

2005-01-21T11:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'll grudgingly admit that there is one cool thing about Cincinnati. They had the first professional baseball team in the history of the game, and for this reason, every year the Reds get to play their first game of the year at home. This used to be the opening game of the entire season, but that went by the wayside some years ago. This year they will have their traditional Monday Home Opener on April 4th, the day after the season officially kicks off with a good ol' Sox/Yanks game on good ol' Sunday Night Baseball. But guess who will be on the mound pitching for the opposing team at the Great American Ballpark on Opening Day? Pedro J. Martínez, in all likelyhood. And I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna wear my Sox jersey, and I'm gonna cheer that motherfucker on.

I mean, why not? I've come to grips with things. I've adjusted. It's sad that Pedro couldn't salvage a little dignity or self-respect on his way out of town, but that doesn't make the last three years of idolizing him worth any less. The only way I was not going to continue to follow his career was if he went to the MFYs, at which point he would have become as dead to me. But he went to the Mets, a team with some of the worst uniforms in baseball (above only any club with the color Expansion Team Teal in their unis,) and therefore I feel comfortable being able to root for his success.

So Mike and I have worked it out that I'm going to get up and go down to the park at six or seven in the morning on Feb. 19 and wait for the box office to open while Mike gets on the computer and tries that way, and I figure somehow we should be able to get tickets. And I'll go cheer Pedro on...although he will be in a strange uniform...with a strange catcher behind the plate...coming from a strange city.............gag................

2005-01-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

I'd like to take a paragraph to get re-acquainted with my love for our second baseman, the venerable Mark Bellhorn.

A couple days ago I was really bored and decided to randomly select and watch a game from the 2004 season - it turned out to be the May 7th home game against the Kansas City Royals. You may remember the end of this game, where Manny crossed home plate as the winning run in the bottom of the ninth thanks to an RBI double by V-Tek. Manny motored all the way around from first base, and instead of sliding into home when it became evident that there was going to be a play at the plate, Manny slowed down and seemed to tiptoe in, his arms raised, his fingers pointing up to the sky, a huge smile plastered on his mug as he jumped into a team mate's arms. It was one of my favorite MannyMoments of 2004, but I started the tape at the beginning of the game so that I could enjoy the Moment in context. (I'm a nerd like that.)

Wakefield was pitching, and, as was so often the case last year when Wakey started, the game was unpredictable. Everything started out smoothly, with the game staying close through the first half, until the Sox unraveled suddenly in the field and allowed something like four runs to score in an inning. This was thanks largely in part to nearly back-to-back errors by Mark Bellhorn. In one instance Bellhorn and Millar had Carlos Beltran in a pickle (remember Beltran as a Royal?) and Bellhorn inexplicably missed a toss from Millar, allowing Beltran to return safely to first. (Weirdly this was scored as both a caught stealing on Beltran and an error on Bellhorn, though Beltran remained standing on first base. God I miss baseball. It's just so cool.) The second error occurred when Bellhorn was unable to handle a routine groundball. Don Orsillo: "It just seemed like he was in some sort of trance...I'm not sure what happened there." Close-up of Bellhorn's face. Sweatier now, with the bags under his eyes somehow more pronounced...Bellhorn doesn't look embarrassed, he just becomes instantly haggard. Anyhow, eighth inning, the Sox are down 5-3 and who should step up to the plate with Johnny Damon on first base but the Haggard Mark Bellhorn. And wouldn't you know that that erstwhile motherfucker tied the game with a two-run homer? Instant vindication. I cheered for him like it hadn't happened eight months ago. And somehow, that encapsulates my love for Mark Bellhorn.

That said, both the aforementioned Bellhorn and Bronson Arroyo reached one-year deals with the Red Sox yesterday, avoiding arbitration proceedings. Both received substantial pay increases, which they both deserved. If I weren't such a douchebag I'd remember the exact numbers, but I forgot already. I'm a bad blogger. Sue me. Let's just say that they'll both be back next year and leave it at that, aight?

Speaking of being back next year, what is up with this Millar/Mientkiewicz controversy? Is there really a fucking decision to be made here? Is Mientkiewicz going to hit 20+ homeruns next year? Is he going to get 80+ RBI? Is he going to be Manny's boyfriend? Is he going to suddenly develop a redneck drawl and a sense of humor and run around and entertain me? The answer is NO. HE'S NOT. Millar is. I'm going to be pretty disappointed if we keep the late inning defensive replacement.

That's enough for today. Peace.

2005-01-18T11:59:00.000-05:00

This is the most boring time of the year. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in March. Yes, football is still going and the Pats are still in it, but that only keeps me occuppied on Sundays. The rest of the week is totally boring. Work is boring. We can't play outside right now because a) it's too cold to shag flies, and b) the ground is too wet to toss the football around. If there weren't like a million versions of CSI and Law & Order syndicated on cable every night I might go insane. My situation is getting dire. But every year, just when I think it can't get any worse - boom, spring training starts. I'm glad the SuperBowl is in February this year...that's just less time I have to wait.

There is some minor but good news on the Sox front: Bronson Arroyo and my man Mark Bellhorn, the only two players to accept arbitration from the Sox this offseason, are expected to be close to one- and two-year deals, respectively. I imagine that both will get quite a pay-raise, and deservedly so. Myself personally, I would like to see Bronson around for more than just a year, but there is time to work that out.

Here's an interesting bit on who gets World Series rings this year. Some have speculated that John Henry will give them out to anyone who donned a Sox uni this year, including but not limited to Nomar Garciaparra, Bobby Jones and Abe Alvarez. Johnny Pesky is also expected to receive a ring, which is an awesome gesture. But Bobby Jones?? In reference to this situation, a team official said: "Fifty players wore that team uniform over the course of the season. Who knows what might have happened if it had only been forty-nine." I'll tell you what might have happened. The Sox might not have dropped the second or third game of the season due to Bobby Jones issuing 243 consecutive walks.

And the biggest Big Mouth on the team is at it again. Curt Schilling was on ESPN's Sunday Conversation, and if you want to read the transcripts, here they are. The second biggest mouth on the team was on The Best Damn Sports Show Period last night, calling his mother a MILF on national television while wearing cowboy boots and a tshirt that said "Rebel Son" on it. Classy. I used to not be too big on Millar, but he's grown on me. I have to admit, I kinda like him.

2005-01-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

Killer Bees - Brady, Bruschi, Brown and Belichik take it to Peyton Manning's helmet - Pats win 20-3 and remain undefeated at home.
Fuck. Yeah.
I won a bottle of rum off of this game, as well as shit-talking rights for the next six days and hopefully beyond. GO PATS!

2005-01-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

As my friend Frakes said, "I can't wait to watch that baby cry."

This is the first year of my life that I have ever felt the need to make requests of the Football Gods. I've just about worn the ears off the Baseball Gods - so frequent and urgent were my demands of those guys that they finally broke down and just did something about it. But the Football Gods are a new and untapped source of blind faith. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking that Peyton Manning gets his ugly ass trampled on Sunday evening. That's all. I want the field to look like the Swamp of Despair in "Neverending Story" and I want Manning to be Artex. I want this to be Manning's Waterloo, his "Waterworld," the worst day of his fucking life.
And I want Richard Seymour NOT to be injured.
You got all that, Football Gods? It's a pretty simple request, right?

2005-01-13T13:55:00.000-05:00

My husband and I were sitting around playing cards last night when who should appear on ESPN News but Curt Schilling. Never one to avoid being the center of attention, Mr. Schilling announced that he is planning on being ready to pitch the 2005 season opener at Yankee stadium. The opposing pitcher, of course, will be Randy Johnson. This is a great marquee pitching matchup, and definitely makes me that much more excited to get the season underway, but what, Schilling wasn't going to be ready if it was Mike Mussina?

2005-01-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

So what's been going on since last I made a serious entry? Well, there's the Randy Johnson thing. If you don't know by now that RJ has been signed by the MFYs then who picked up the fucking rock and let you crawl out? It should, of course, be pointed out that signing one player does not a World Series victroy ensure, but it definitely makes the Yankees better on paper. However, it also makes them older. Is there any Yankee starting player under 30? I know that the Sox aren't much better, but seriously. The Yankees are just getting silly old. Their failure to sign Beltran means that Bernie Williams will see more playing time in center field next year even though it would probably serve the team better to put him out to pasture as a DH. I just saw on ESPN that Giambi is "healthy" and ready to go to spring training as a Yankee, and I'm sure we'll all be excited to see how much more weight he has redistributed by March. Tony Womack, the poster boy for the Fraternal Order of the Old and Broken Down, will be manning second base. Um, did I mention Kevin Brown is still in the starting rotation? But enough of that. We all know the Yankees will give us a run for the money next year.

Then there was the whole Mientkiewicz/ball situation...I'd like to think that if I made $4 million a year I'd take the moral high road and just give the ball to the Hall of Fame or whatever, but hey. I'm not in his shoes. And I'm not a memorablia buff, so really, who gives a fuck. It's just a baseball. I'll say this, though: please, Theo, bring back Millar in 2005. If Millar comes back and Mientkiewicz goes along his merry little way, that means that all three players that I disliked from the 2004 squad will be gone...which is small recompense for losing all the players that I really loved, but hey. I gotta cling to something.

And speaking of not missing someone, Derek Lowe is headed for the Dodgers. It feels a little ingrateful to diss someone who won three clinching games for the Sox in the playoffs - a wonderful acheivement that I would never try to strip from even my worst enemy - but to be totally honest, I just didn't like him. So bye-bye Derek Lowe, my hanky remains dry.

And finally. Fuck Vanderjagt. I'm off to work.

2005-01-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY I've finally got my new monitor and I can now pick up where I left off a week ago, happily blogging away in the (relative) safety and comfort of my own home, with my own music (Tego Calderon,) my own munchies (trailmix,) and my own beverage of choice (Dewars on the rocks.) Now that I see this nifty new monitor we have I realize that our other one had been dying a slow and painful death for a long time and we just didn't realize it. Asi es la vida.

Anyway.

Looking back on it, I realize that this blog has pretty much sucked ass for the past two months, and I apologize. Some of the circumstances leading up to me being an irregular and/or shitty poster were out of my control, but I'm not trying to make excuses. I henceforth and without further ado do hereby promise to be a more regular blogger, with more worthwhile and interesting things to say (which will generally fall in line with the chosen content of this blog, in general the sport of baseball, in specific the Boston Red Sox.) I furthermore do promise to spend less time fucking around at work making all that money since the busy season is now over, and more time reading about, pondering, and pontificating upon our Great National Past Time in between episodes of CSI. From here on out I will no longer slack. I have an abundance of free time, and I will use it in the right way.

By finding pictures of Manny Ramírez's hot ass wife.

Yowza.

2005-01-10T13:15:00.000-05:00

Being without at-home internet access SUCKS. I lived without a computer for the first 25 years of my life, and now I've had one for only two years and already doubt my ability to live without one for any significant period of time. I'm sitting at the public library right now with god knows who reading over my shoulder and the spacebar sticking but hey, things could be worse, and besides, my mama is coming down tomorrow with an extra monitor from home for us.

Anyway, I just want to express my dismay at the inability of the Broncos to do a goddamn thing against the Colts. While it wasn't really surprising, I was still kind of pissed, because the sooner I see the look of defeat painted across Peyton Manning's ugly hillbilly mug the better. The Broncos didn't even deserve to be in the playoffs. They SUCK. So do the Vikings, yet they managed to beat the Packers - quite a sound drubbing, actually. In fact, I am 0-4 right now as far as cheering for teams in the playoffs. The Seahawks, Chargers, Broncos and Packers all lost. I'll be wearing my Ty Law jersey next sunday, even if he is out for the rest of the year. GO PATS!

I can't write worth a damnhere at the library, so I'm going to sign off for now. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow for good! Adios y hablamos mas tarde.

2005-01-07T02:29:00.000-05:00

2005-01-02T02:43:00.000-05:00

A Review.

I was just recently browsing through some of the threads on the message board of the official Red Sox website and came across a thread dedicated to discussion of this book. One person wrote that “it is good if you followed the season from the very beginning,” but that if you hadn’t then it was pretty boring. For one thing, Mr. Anonymous poster, way to be a half-ass fan and not follow a complete season. For another thing, I did follow the entire season, and I still kinda thought the book was boring.
Don’t get me wrong – there is plenty of humor spread throughout that kept me laughing. For example, when our hapless third base coach would wave someone around into a certain out at the plate, Stephen King referred to this as being inducted into the Hall of Sveum. D-Lowe is referred to as the Tragickal Mr. Lowe. After a game lost by a moronic Francona move, King’s literary partner Stewart O’Nan writes: “Captain, I’m detecting high levels of Gradium.” Good stuff. There are also plenty of good memories to relive, like the April ass-whipping the Sox dealt down to the MFYs, or Manny and Big DaDa going back-to-back, or how much I used to enjoy it when Jose Contreras and Felix Heredia would pitch against the Sox. And some memories that aren’t so great, like the entire “June Swoon” chapter and Cesar Crespo.
But the book was basically a nearly game-by-game recap of the entire season without much in the way of new information. King and O’Nan just didn’t add much that I didn’t get from Remy and Orsillo/McDonough during the game broadcasts. And O’Nan was kind of grating on my by the end of the book due to his obsession with catching balls at games and getting autographs. Catching a ball every now and then is cool. Showing up to batting practice with a fucking net and coming home with ten fucking balls isn’t cool. Trying it again is just fucking dumb. Leaving every game you attend with an excess of five baseballs while little kids around you go home with none is sort of repugnant to me. What the fuck does he do with all those balls? I mean, they’re just baseballs. Does he toss them around in the backyard with his kids? Does he cryovac them and display them in a hermetically sealed and bullet-proof plexiglass case? I mean, what the fuck? The autograph thing…well, I can see how other people would think it was cool, but personally, asking someone for an autograph would make me feel like a total douchebag so I never do it.
But anyway, I got sidetracked.
I found “Faithful” to be entertaining at best, and the worst thing I can say about it is that it can be a little tedious at times. I’m not too sure about the re-readability factor with this one since it is so intensive on details of one season, but hey – it’s the offseason and I’m pretty much clinging to any sort of baseball life raft that floats my way. If you thought you were missing baseball now, reading this book will make it infinitely worse. Between that and all the Randy Johnson/Carlos Beltran bullshit going on in New York, I’m looking forward to the 2005 season like you look forward to five minutes alone in the bathroom after spending all night at a strip club.
Let’s get it on!

2004-12-30T23:56:00.000-05:00

Will the Sox be better than the MFY as far as pitching staffs are concerned? Both teams have re-tooled their pitching staffs, and I thought I would take a look at it. (I actually just mistyped and put "tit" and kind of enjoyed it.)

Here is how I see it breaking down:

1. Schilling - Johnson: even. Schilling is younger, Johnson is a lefty, Johnson's era is better, Schilling is the best big game pitcher on the planet. This could go on for a while.

2. Miller - Mussina: even. Mussina has been going down hill every year as he is getting older. Miller is coming off an injury, but when healthy is an ace on any staff without Schilling or Johnson.

3. Wells - Pavano: slight edge to Wells. Wells has pitched effectively under a lot of pressure as a Yankee. He has played in front of bad defenses, small parks, and is great in the postseason. Pavano is switching leagues. He was alright in the postseason with the Marlins. He is a pitcher that survives on the defense behind him (kind of like Lowe). He is coming from one of the best defensive clubs in baseball to one of the worst. He is going from a pitcher's park to a hitter's park. He is going from the offensively inept NL to face the big guns of the AL. Plus the DH.

4. Clement - Wright: slight edge to Clement. Wright has had no success in the AL and is coming off a career year under the best pitching coach ever in Atlanta. Although Clement is switching leagues, he has been improving each year.

5. Arroyo - Brown: Brown. Arroyo is getting better. He was great during the second half of last year. Brown is always injured but has also been dominating.

Here is the statistical breakdown of the pitchers both us and the MFY have signed (not traded for). Note: I think the K/BB stat is very important in the AL. If you walk batters, they make you pay.

Carl Pavano
Last three seasons: 36-31, 4.15 era, 2.53 K/BB
Career: 57-58, 4.21 era, 2.28 K/BB
Signed: 4 years, $40 million

Jaret Wright
Last three seasons: 14-13, 8.78 era, 1.49 K/BB
Career: 15-8, 5.09 era, 1.54 K/BB

Wright has actually gotten worse over his last three seasons. If you take out his year with the Braves (2004), his numbers for 2001-03 look like this:

6-10, 9.86 era, 1.02 K/BB (yup, that's 1 K for every BB).
Signed: 3 years, $21 million

David Wells
Last 3 Seasons: 46-22, 3.87 era, 4.38 K/BB
Career: 212-136, 4.04 era, 3.07 K/BB
Signed: 2 years, $8 million

Wells has been better over his last 3 years AND career than Carl Pavano. His is older, but more experienced, cheaper, and seasoned.

Matt Clement
Last 3 Seasons: 35-36, 3.80 era, 2.39 K/BB
Career: 69-75, 4.34 era, 1.89 K/BB
Signed: 3 years, $25.5 million

Not great numbers, but he has shown improvement.

Wade Miller
Last 3 Seasons:36-24, 3.59 era, 2.03 K/BB
career: 58-39, 3.87 era, 2.15 K/BB

And finally, for shits and giggles, Schilling vs. Johnson, last 3 years:

Schilling: 52-22, 3.15 era, 5.39 K/BB, not quite a Hall of Famer
Johnson: 46-27, 3.06 era, 5.31 K/BB, Hall of Famer

What does all this mean? From a statistical standpoint the Sox made better signings. The Sox won the World Series last year while the MFY had a better rotation April 1. Oh, and for all of those "Schilling and Miller both got injured last year" crap, Johnson was injured 2 years ago and won the Cy Young. Pedro had the same injury that Miller had and bounced back and was in the top 3 for Cy Young voting the next year.

I am a Sox fan and an optimist so I think they will do better than the MFY. Both teams are so equal (If the MFY get Johnson), it is all going to come down to chemistry. The Sox have it, the MFY don't.

2004-12-30T10:53:00.000-05:00

A Long Overdue and Mushy Post About VTek

Given all the rigamarole going on due to the holidays, I was never able to make a post that properly gushed over the re-signing of Jason Varitek. It was an event deserving of celebration and sappy, sentimental outpourings. For various reasons I wasn't able to post about it, but now I plan to make up for lost time.

Some of my more vivid memories of the man we call VTek or sometimes JVT - or sometimes simply Tek - are how he kept hitting homers whenever I would go to the
bathroom during 2003, how he dropped to his knees on the field after the Sox won the World Series, how he shoved his glove right in A-Rods purple-lipped fucking face to
turn the 2004 season around for teammates and fans alike. But by and large, I think Tek has been a little under-appreciated by yours truly - perhaps a little taken for granted. He is the bedrock upon which every Red Sox team has been built for the last five years or so, yet maybe I haven't given him all the props that he is due. I'm not talking about the "shout-outs-in-my-blog-for-a-good-play" props, I'm talking about the "sitting down in my chair watching the game and idly musing about how fucking great that Jason is" kind of props. Like a baby, my attention and imagination are captured by flashy, colorful things - like Manny's over-abundance of personality, Pedro's vitriole, Trot's WWF-interview-esque ferocity, JD's laid-back, pothead elan. Varitek is much more down to earth than all of that. He says all the right things. His appearance is stalwart and professional. His physique fits his role - the Atlas that shoulders the weight of an entire 25-man roster. In Varitek the Red Sox have a switch-hitting catcher capable of hitting around .300 with 20 homeruns who is a veritable genius at handling a pitching staff, and who is so consistent and reliable that I didn't know what we had...until it was almost gone.

When Varitek and the Evil Scott Boras first made public their desire to have a contract worth $50 million over five years with a no trade clause, I wrote Tek off as a resign and started focusing more on the Pedro Martínez negotiations. I was more upset about the possibility of losing Pedro, and I thought his return was more of a sure thing. Yet while Pedro and Fernando Cuza were busy double- and triple-crossing the Red Sox and the Mets out of every possible cent they could get their fingers on, Varitek had told the Evil Scott Boras that he didn't want to be contacted by any other teams until the January 8th negotiating deadline with the Sox had passed, such was his committment to returning to the team. Personally, I think that a five-year contract with a 33-year old pitcher is a little risky, and that $10 million dollars a year is a lot of money to pay a catcher who isn't a statistical clone of Carlton Fisk or Johnny Bench, but if there was one free agent that was worth overpaying for it was Varitek. (Not Renteria, cough cough.) Theo and Co. seemed to agree, and were able to meet in the middle to strike a deal for $40 million over 4 years. Not too bad for one of the top five catchers in the game who just happens to be the unofficial team captain. Wait. Make that OFFICIAL team captain. When Tek takes the field next year, there will be a red "C" on the upper left side of his jersey to confirm what we all already knew: This is Tek's team. And I'm damn glad to have him back.

2004-12-29T03:11:00.000-05:00

Remember that break I was threatening to take until the holidays were over? This is it. I'm sorry about the lack of posting, but I have a post in the works....now I just need the time to write it all out! Until then (hopefully shortly after New Years) I'll be cooking and sleeping and drinking overly caffeinated everything. Adios.

2004-12-24T08:54:00.000-05:00

2004-12-23T13:02:00.000-05:00

Snow Day.

Some pictures from our window overlooking Main St in downtown Cincinnati. That little storefront in the lower left of the bottom picture is what we call the "40oz. Store." It's the local bodega which doubles as both beer store and crackhead hangout.
Anyway, thanks to Mother Nature, I got to sleep in today. Our restaurant was closed for lunch due to the fact that Cincinnati is such a poorly run city that no snowplows or salt trucks have been through downtown yet. It was like being a kid on a snow day. Una cosa buena.
The Red Sox signed Wade Miller to a one-year, $1.5 million deal with up to $3 million in incentives. Miller had won 45 games over 3 seasons before he was brought down last year by a rotator cuff injury. Miller is expected to resume throwing in January and should be ready for the start of the season. I think this was a great move by Theo. I'm finally starting to feel a little more at-ease with the guys that will be showing up in Florida in february, even though I'm still a little weirded out by having to cheer for David Wells.
Oh well. It could be worse. I could have to cheer for Javier Vazquez, hehehehehehe.

2004-12-21T09:50:00.000-05:00

2004-12-20T13:18:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a break.
Just to let all three of my regular readers know: I'm taking a little hiatus from blogging for awhile - probably just until the end of the holidays. The main reason is because I will be working an insane amount in the next two weeks, and the hours of the day not taken up by work will be spent either sleeping, getting drunk, or in the company of family. Second reason is, I suck at off-season blogging, because I just don't have the time to do all the research and shit that I would like to do, and I just can't make another post about how sad I am over Pedro's departure. Third reason is I'd like to take a little time off to reflect about things, maybe get some sort of game plan together for this blog in 2005. I've been doing it for over a year now, and I'd like to not really reinvent this blog, but rather take some time to think about an overall picture of how I want things to be, instead of just sitting down at the keyboard and ranting about whatever catches my fancy that day.

So, happy holidays and all that crap. I'll be back soon. As Woody Guthrie said: Take it easy but take it. -sarah

2004-12-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

Celebrity Death Match This shit is just getting silly. Why doesn't everyone involved just shut the fuck up? Hey Pedro, way to poop on your legacy, pal. Is it not enough that I have had to watch my baseball hero bail out of Happy Airlines Flight 2004 with a golden parachute strapped to his back - do I really have to hear the shit talking? Hey Pedro, I can talk shit too: I've seen crackheads outside of blood banks with better hair-dos than you. You have a fake grill. You sit/talk/run like a gay man. Your brother looks like Charlie Murphy. Nice ERA last year. Way to throw an old man down. But talking shit doesn't make me feel any better about the situation, and I doubt it makes Pedro feel any better either. It just makes him sound like one of the most bitter men alive. He made his bed, he can now don his silk-and-gold-brocade pajamas and lie in it.
In other, more merry news, the Sox signed Matt Clement. If you combine Clement and Wells' numbers from last year and compare them to Pedro and Derek Lowe's numbers from last year, the Clement/Wells duo is actually better. Apparently Theo & Co. aren't asleep at the wheel after all.
Shit. I gotta go to work.

2004-12-16T22:56:00.000-05:00

Me and my station partner. Isn't work fun?

1. Edgar Renteria: Overpaid. But sounds like my kind of player. I'm sure I'll have some stupid nickname for him before the third week of the season is over.

2. Randy Johnson to MFYs: Would rather be the Diamondbacks in this deal. File under: who gives a fuck.

3. Is Theo just cooking up something so crazy that I can't even imagine it at this point, or is he having an off off-season?

4. Is it right to worry about off-season moves when my team just won the World Series?

5. Life in a professional kitchen the week before Christmas:
- I come into work on Tuesday (I think...the days are all running together for me at this point,) and a "water" pipe has burst somewhere in the restaurant, causing the ENTIRE basement and lower kitchen to smell literally like shit. Water pipe? Methinks not. Try "sewer pipe." So while all of us upstairs cooks are studiously prepping in the downstairs area while the lunch cooks upstairs finish up, all of the sudden, the lights go out. Now we are prepping in near total darkness. On top of an overwhelming odor much like someone had just taken a shit on our upper lips. Did we even pause? Did our knives even stop moving? Did we even try to go find a manager? No. No, we did not. We just looked around at each other, shrugged, laughed a little, and carried on. It's sick. But we really didn't. No one moved from their cutting board. When a manager finally did come to fix the fuse, they had to carry a flashlight with them to see. Fucking ridiculous. I should have listened to my mother.
- Fun At Work: My sous chef kept pretending like he was going to strangle me, so I told him to go ahead and try until I told him to stop. Dumb idea. Much like the time I let him drop a meat fork on my hand because I didn't think it would hurt.
- "Mmmmmm...this smells awesome! What is it? Is it a lime or a lemon?
"I don't know, I heard it was a lime, but it's like, yellow like a lemon."
"Well, the inside is light green, like a lime." *squeezes the fruit, smells* "Ya, it smells like a lime."
"Well then why is it yellow?"
*takes fruit segment and pops it into mouth, sucking a bit, then pulling it back out*
"Definitely a lime."
*sous chef walks up*
"What are you doing with chef's lime?"
"This is chef's lime?"
"Ya. It came from France. Haven't you seen him putting pieces in his water?"
*puts lime back on counter and walks away*

My job is pretty cool, I guess.

2004-12-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

"And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad World..."
-Tears for Fears

Dude, what are you doing? You look like a total douchebag in that uniform.

Kevin and I got off of work early last night, stopped by the store for some 40s and plopped down in front of ESPN News. I scrambled to load MLB.com. "Oh shit...it happened," I said. "What?" Kevin asked, leaning over my shoulder. "He did it, he's a fucking Met." Kevin dropped back in his chair. "Wow...I'm sorry, Bella. Hey, look at me." I turn around in my chair. Kevin was sitting with his can of beer extended toward me, his face screwed up into an expression of regret and comiseration. "I'm sorry, for real, that sucks." We clinked beer cans together and I shrug, cause I can't really think of anything to say.

2004-12-14T11:22:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling the idea of making an "I'm Sick Of Curt Schilling" post for a couple weeks now, but never have gotten around to it because a) I have no time, and b) it's sort of heretical and I know that people wouldn't be down with the sentiment. But then I read this on Dirtdogs this morning:

Quote re. Pedro Martinez's special treatment: "Those were his own rules. They had been established and in place before I got here. Before Terry got here. He was allowed to do those kind of things and that was something that... yeah, that is different than other players. But, what are you going to do? There was a precedent established before we got here, and it was OK with everybody and hey, the media didn't have a problem with it. So I guess as players it was not up to us to have a problem with it. The fans let it go, and, there's definitely different standards, which I was surprised to see given the passion here. That players are cut a lot of different slack in a lot of different scenarios and situations, but I also again wasn't here for the seven years prior, I didn't get a chance to see up close the things he had done for this city and this team as a performer."

Mistake #1: I actually read Dirtdogs. I hardly ever do, and the reason is that I can't take the hypocrisy and pettiness of whoever it is that runs that site.

Mistake #2: I'm about to say some things totally out of anger and bitterness because Pedro is leaving.

Mistake #3: Who in the fuck do you think you are, Curt Schilling? I'm tired of you trying to talk for everyone else. You just got here, buddy. You came here because you thought the rivalry was a cute, fun, challenging little game you could play. Before you signed with the Sox, you were also considering signing with the Yankees. You only came here so you could play the hero and stoke your already out of control ego. You're like the kid in class who is appointed to watch everyone while the teacher runs off to take a shit, and then actually makes a detailed report on who threw spitballs at the chalkboard when the teacher comes back. Why don't you shut your big mouth for once. Oh. And you're a Republican. *vomits in mouth*

There. I said it. I don't like Curt Schilling. I'm ecstatic that the Sox won the World Series, please never doubt that. And I'll never downplay the role the guy had in the post season. But that doesn't mean I have to like him.

2004-12-14T01:38:00.000-05:00

Betrayed.

What. The. Fuck.

On Saturday night we hear that Pedro is right on the verge of putting pen to paper and resigning with the Sox. Sunday morning, our computer crashes and we lose internet access (not to mention every music file and saved picture on our hard drive.) Monday night, after an hour long phone tutorial on reinstalling drivers conducted by some Indian dude outsourced by Dell for just these purposes, I fire up Internet Explorer only to see "Pedro Headed to Mets."
Huh?
Why is this happening to me?
Apparently the Mets offered Pedro a four-year, $56 million dollar deal, which the Sox refused to respond to, and rightly so since that is the most INSANE FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Allow me to enumerate:

1) Pedro is ours. He just is, goddamnit. Shea stadium is like one big fucking concrete toilet bowl. Seeing Pedro pitch in Shea stadium is going to be like finding an 18k gold ring at the bottom of the grease trap in the dish tank at work. It just isn't right. I don't need proof. It's just not.

2) Pedro's shoulder is held together with scotch tape and bubble gum. In scientific terms, the dude has a labrum that could be up to 90% torn. Think it's just a rumor? Then why else would Pedro be asking if he really has to take an MRI for the Mets' physical. And the Mets are actually thinking this idea over. Is it opposite day or something? Is this some cosmic joke that everyone else in the universe is in on and just forgot to tell me about?

3) Pedro really stuck it up the Sox's ass by acting like he was soooooo close to resigning, only so that he could go running to Oh-Man Minaya with the already stupid offer the Sox agreed to in an effort to get more money so brazen that it borders on prostitution. Now the Sox appear to be up shit creek with a turd for a fucking paddle. Only a very creative and very prospect-expensive deal can bring us Tim Hudson. That pantywaist Carl Pavano went running to the MFYs, which isn't too upsetting but still, that's one less option. Matt Clement is still available but will probably be overpayed. Who else? Odalis Perez? Derek Lowe??

4) I'll miss you, Pedro, even though it's going to take me awhile to wrestle this knife out of my back. My favorite memory of Pedro is from September 2003, when Mike and I went up to Cleveland to watch him pitch against the Indians. It was the bottom of the seventh inning, bases loaded, two outs, everyone in the Jake going nutty. Grady makes a visit to the mound, chats with Pedro a second or two, slaps his ass and waddles away. Pedro rears back...and strikes the guy out swinging. Fucking beautiful. There's nothing else I can say.

And, as if any more havoc could be wreaked upon my happy little baseball Nirvana, there's this little rumor: Manny + Mientkiewicz + cash to the Mets (a-fucking-gain) for Cliff Floyd. Cliff Floyd. Ya. CLIFF FLOYD. So let me get this straight, Powers That Be: No more Pedro? No more Manny? What the fuck reason will I have to get out of bed in April???

If you'll excuse me, I will be going through the twelve stages of grieving now.

2004-12-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

The Sox have reached terms with David Wells, a.k.a. Boomer, a.k.a. "The Man Who Hates Fenway," pending on the results of a physical scheduled for Tuesday. The deal is reportedly for two years at a guaranteed $8 million, with performance bonuses tacked on. Wells has a .500 record pitching at Fenway with a 4.78 ERA, which is eh. *shrugs* But he does have an excellent record against the Yankees (16-8 with a 2.94 ERA.) Personally I've never really despised David Wells with the intensity that I've hated some other people who have been/are Yankees, even though he does bear a striking resemblance to Mr. Belvedere. But it is kind of fucked up that a guy who has run his mouth about hating Fenway park so much would be willing to turn around and pitch there. Then again, what hasn't Wells run his mouth about? It's an interesting move, and if Wells can stay healthy and relatively in shape (two big "ifs,") things should pan out.

Resigning Petey seems imminent, seeing as how the Sox gave in and offered him a guaranteed third year. Now they just need to come to terms on money. Pedro is asking for $14 million a year. That's a lot of fucking money for a guy who may or may not be in the twilight of his career and who landed face-down on the prison shower floor several times last year, assaulted by just about every team in the AL East. But hey, it's Pedro.

Carl Pavano is still trying to make up his mind. If you read the Herald, he's leaning toward the Sox. If you read the NY papers, he's leaning toward the Yankees. I bet if I had the time and/or inclination to read the Detroit papers, they would say he was leaning toward the Tigers. Bottom line is, nobody knows. But what if the Sox ended up with a Schilling/Pedro/Wells/Pavano/Arroyo rotation? Sweet Jesus.

And the Sox are said to be interested in SS Edgar Renteria. What the hell is wrong with Little Buddy, I ask you! Let's bring Little Buddy back. I like the guy. I like his little afro and his big elf ears. He's like a little South American Keebler elf with a .835 zone rating who just happens to get clutch hits, even if his swing is sometimes whack unto the point of being violently off-target. Is Edgar Renteria more open to signing a two-year contract or something? And what's this I've been hearing about Julio Lugo being in the mix? Renteria is a crybaby, and Julio Lugo pretty much sucks. Me want Cabby.

2004-12-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

Winter bites.

Why, you ask?

1. No baseball. Not even any baseball news so far, except for the Mentai signing (good move) and the Yankees signing Jaret Wright (who gives a shit. Dude has a less-than-stellar 7.88 ERA vs. Boston and has never gotten a win against them...not to mention his 0-2 record against the frickin Blue Jays with an 11.70 ERA. But maybe those numbers were from back when he was with the Indians....no wait, wasn't he supposed to be good back then?)

2. Work. For those who are blessedly uninitiated to the food service industry, the holidays are the busiest time of the year in most cities. Everyone and their fucking grandma is going out to dinner to celebrate. Offices are having their Christmas parties. Families are coming into town who need to be entertained. This means 55-60 hour, 6-day work weeks for yours truly. Don't get me wrong, I love the cash. And I love my job. But when you go to work at 12 in the afternoon and don't get home until after ten o'clock at night, it doesn't leave much room for things like "christmas shopping," "cleaning the house," "doing the laundry," "making the blog entries." All it makes room for is piling a bunch of smelly, stressed out line cooks in your living room, buying 40's from the convenience store across the street, and playing videogames all night long until you inevitably get too drunk and start an arguement about work which gets everyone pissed off and causes one of your sous chefs to leave the house abruptly after threatening to bash a bottle over a cook's head. Merry Fucking Christmas.

3. Did I mention no baseball? Football is cool, but it's not baseball. Not by a long shot. I have been enjoying this football season, however, especially this past week since the Bengals are set to play in New England this sunday. There is absolutely no end to the trash talking. People here actually think that a) the Bengals are a "dangerous team" right now, b) they're on a "roll" now that they finally got their first road win against a winning team since 1990. That's right. 19-fucking-90. and c) they stand a very good chance of handing the Patriots their first loss at home in something like two years. They stand a snowflake's chance in HELL of winning that game, and I stand a very good chance of getting drunk for free at the bar that day since I will be winning all of my friends' money.

4. Our heater is broke. And the landlord wants to know when she's going to get the rent check. Ya, right. You'll get the rent check when the Bengals beat the Patriots.

5. I was going to keep going with this list, but now I have to go to work, please see #3 for cross referencing purposes.

6. Sign Petey.

2004-12-07T08:10:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day for the Sox to offer free agents arbitration, and they are expected to do so with Varitek, Pedro, Cabrera and DLowe. Larry Lucchino and John Henry are scheduled to make a visit to Pedro in the Dominican tomorrow - this is supposedly more of a "social" call than an effort at contract negotiation, as it is unclear whether Pedro's agent will be attending this little get together. The Sox also want to stop in and visit Big Dada as well.
This reminds me of one of my favorite Manny stories, when a coach stopped by to visit him at home and Manny wouldn't let him in. What's the deal with the off season visit thing? I would be totally pissed if the buzzer to our apartment rang on a sunday and it was chef downstairs, wanting to drop by for a visit. We'd probably be sitting around in our pajamas with dirty, messy hair, drinking at a ridiculously early hour in a semi-dirty living room, which would confirm chef's suspicions that two of his lead cooks are huge scumbags. I don't blame Manny. I wouldn't let the guy in, either.
The Cubs are rumored to be close to signing a one-year, $8 million dollar deal with Nomar. So next year, when the Sox go to Wrigley Field for interleague play, Nomar will probably be on the opposing team. Weird, huh? The Sox are also returning to Busch Stadium next June, and I'm sure everyone will be real happy to see them back there. Since I've got mad family in St. Louis, I'm going to try to get tickets to that series, and maybe even take in a game in Chicago. If I haven't moved to Maui by then, but that's a post for another time.

2004-12-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

Ever had one of these days at work?

Everything went wrong for me today. Up to and including dropping ELEVEN orders of sea bass for a party in the upstairs suites. And not just dropping them - oh no - dropping them ALL OVER my mise en place. I had to re-boil and re-slurry my veal jus, throw out my parsley, rosemary, salt and shallots, and drain and refill my steam well. All in the middle of a rush. In addition to cleaning up the sea bass everywhere. It looked like a fucking fish grenade blew up on my station. My only saving grace was that chef wasn't down in the kitchen at the time, but then as he was headed out the door I had to go an apologize: "I'm sorry about that sea bass, sir," I say. "What sea bass? What happened?" chef asks. Shit. Now I have to tell him when I could have just let him walk out the door blissfully unaware that I had taken a huge crap on his food cost for the week. Asi es la vida.

But I did have a good conversation earlier in the shift while we were downstairs butchering sole. We were trying to come up with the "All-Done" roster, comprised only of baseball players who have formerly been great but who are now all washed up. This is what we came up with:
starting pitcher: Kevin Brown
catcher: Mike Piazza
1B: Jason Giambi
2B: Robbie Alomar
SS: Nomar Garciaparra
3B: we couldn't come up with one, but Ken Caminiti got an honorable mention
DH: Mo Vaughn
LF: Barry Bonds (perhaps a little premature)
CF: Ken Griffey Jr.
RF: Sammy Sosa
Coach: Joe Torre
Any additions to this list are welcome.

I have to go fire up the playstation and start a gang war while slowly but surely drinking myself to sleep in a feeble attempt to forget that today ever happened. Goodnight.

2004-12-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been doing a poor job of keeping up with this blog for the past week, but the truth is that it's very hard to get me away from my PlayStation2 these days ever since I picked up a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. This game is like my own personal CandyLand: Car-jackings. Hold-ups. Drive-bys. Gang-related violence. Muggings. Picking up hookers. Beating crackheads with baseball bats. ::wipes tear from eye:: I love America.

I did read today, however, that the Sox and Tek seem to be getting closer to working out a deal. The latest offer from Boras is still a five-year deal, but with the provision that the contract can be voided after four years if Varitek is injured and unable to complete a certain number of plate appearances or games played. This would seem to satisfy the Sox, who were extremely reluctant to give Varitek a five-year deal. Now if only the two sides can meet in the middle with money - Tek wants $11 million per year, and the Sox are offering $9.

Personally, I would absolutely love to have Tek back, assuming that the Sox can get the contract right. I don't even think I knew how much I would have missed Tek until I read that article in the Herald and felt an actual wave of relief wash over me. Having Tek is definitely better than any other option on the market, or any other option within the Sox organization, for that matter. Kellie Shoppach is getting some extra playing time for Escogido in the Dominican Leagues this year, but by all accounts is still not ready to face major league pitching. Mirabelli is signed on for the next two years, but the Sox have said they have no intent on making him a starter. Tek is the one player on the team whom I wouldn't mind seeing get overcompensated. (I would say Manny, too, but he's already being overcompensated.)

The telenovela that is the 2004 Pedro Martínez sweepstakes is still showing nothing in the way of true progress. I'm assuming that now that the Yankees are seemingly out of the running for Randy Johnson, they may begin to seriously go after Sweet P. Sox are still standing firm at a three-year offer, which is good, because in four years Pedro will probably have about 2% mobility in his right shoulder cuff and will have to get his wife to pour the milk over his cereal for him in the morning.

Oh, and Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds were using steroids! I bet nobody could see that one coming. Wow. What a shocker. And all this time I just thought Giambi had "redistributed" his weight last year and that it was totally normal for men in their late thirties to still have skull growth...what was I thinking? Boy, they really pulled the wool over my eyes. Guess they'll just have to let Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron keep their names up at the top of baseball's most holy and sacred record, which for decades has been reserved for only the best and most amazing players, and not chemically engineered cheaters. Damn. What a shame.

2004-12-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

The Red Sox reached an agreement on a two-year, $3 million dollar extension with Doug Mirabelli the other day. The contract will double if Mirabelli is used as a starting catcher. Why would Belli stay in Boston for $1.5 million a year when he could get much more elsewhere?

-"Doug's experience in the New England area - his love for his teammates and from playing in Boston - made him decide to stay there,'' agent Dan Horwits said last night from Los Angeles. "Just his experience with winning the World Series and the joy of celebrating that win with his teammates helped convince him.''

Hmmmm. Refreshing, isn't it? Too bad other people didn't feel this way.

2004-11-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

Interesting article on what some GMs and managers think about Pedro's value. Check it out.

2004-11-26T23:10:00.000-05:00

The Breakfast of Champions.

Wow. Could this "Hot Stove" thing be any more of a bust so far? It's like showing up to a party at the exact time written on the invitation and then having to sit around in an uncomfortable silence while waiting for all the cool kids to show up. I mean, for God's sake, the Herald or the Globe or I forget who is publishing stories on how Theo hasn't returned Cabby's agent's phone calls. It's like, get some news or shut the fuck up.

Hmmm. Maybe I should follow my own advice.

Instead, I'm going to make a list of all the things I've imagined doing to Pedro Martinez lately, since he has decided to make a run at the Guiness Book record for World's Biggest Douchebag.

1. I would like to open the door to his house at like 8:30 in the morning when he's walking around in his fuzzy pink houseslippers with the latest edition of Redbook en Espanol tucked under his arm and just let like two thousand Chihuahuas who have just been gassed with aerosol methamphetamines stream in. Literally two thousand.

2. I would like to blare heavy metal at his house 24 hours a day like they did to Manuel Noriega in the 80's. Or was it Fidel Castro? I'm getting my Central American criminals confused.

3. I'd like to find him all curled up in bed all cute and snuggly and cherubic, and then I'd like to rip the covers off and fucking throw cold grease all over him, his princess canopy bed, and his My Little Pony sheets.

4. I'd like to hire Don Zimmer to deliver him a Strip-O-Gram.

5. I'd like to sit locked in a small closet with him and just blow cigarette smoke in his face in a very calm and deliberate manner. Even though I don't smoke.

I wouldn't actually do any of this stuff, in case any of you are thinking that I'm some sort of crazed stalker. But I think I have a right as a Red Sox fan and as a Pedro Martinez fan to be more than miffed about his recent douchery, and making light of it is better than laying in bed watering my pillowcase with tears. Plus everything is boring right now and I have nothing better to write about.

Here are three good cds that I've been listening to lately:

1. Spiritualized "Laser Guided Melodies:" It's the musical equivalent of eating 10mg of your favorite prescription painkiller, drinking four beers and then laying down in a nice hot bath.

2. The Brian Jonestown Massacre "Tepid Peppermint Wonderland:" One of the worst album titles I have EVER heard, but cool music none the less. Sort of like a hipster take on old psychadelic Rolling Stones, as the name would suggest.

3. Tego Calderon "El Abayarde:" Dude. I fucking LOVE Tego, which is kind of silly since he raps in Spanish and I can only understand like every fourth word, but I can't stop listening to it. I can't. I want to get his latest album "Enemy de los Guasibiri" for Christmas, but my mom will shit if I have her go look for some obscure shit like that so I'm going to have to find a copy for myself on the internet.

Um...is it March yet?

p.s. when i say "my mom will shit" i really just mean that i don't want to give her a huge pain in the ass by saying, "Hey mom, will you get me this cd by this obscure Puerto Rican gangsta rapper that I've never been able to find in any store in Ohio anywhere for Christmas?" I had to clarify this point because my mom reads this blog every now and then and I don't want to offend her. I love you, mama! :)

2004-11-25T01:28:00.000-05:00

Doc Scott pointed out that Dominique is a minor league free agent. My bad. Anyway, as far as catching is concerned, there isn't much out there. That is why Veritek can ask for an I-Rod type contract.

Now my take on first basemen: Kevin Millar. Doug Mandabunchofletters is better defensively, had a down year at the plate (maybe recovering from wrist surgery), and is under contract. He will probably be traded. Millar is huge for team chemistry. Not to mention, Theo broke unwritten rules by claiming him off waivers when he was supposed to go to Japan. Millar may be streaky, but he had a great second half last year. Granted, defensively, he is at the bottom of the AL, but you have to hide a defensive liability somewhere when David Ortiz is on your team.

2004-11-24T01:31:00.000-05:00

Hello. My name is Pawly. I’m a friend of Sarah’s and she invited me to do a guest post on her blog. You’re going to have to bear with me, I am not as witty as her and I will probably not be very regular, unless someone buys me some Metamucil.

Here are my predictions about who will be on the Sox next year and why (if needed):

Catchers: Doug Mirabelli and Kelly Shoppach. I am a huge ‘Tek fan. I thing he brings a lot of great things to the table: leadership, toughness, handles a pitching staff well. I am not a fan of a 36 year old catcher getting $11 million a year with a no trade clause. Nothing for nothing, Mirabelli handles the pitching staff just as well as Veritek. His offensive numbers are on the upswing. (From 2002 – 2004, AVG .225 – .281, OBP .307 - .331, SLG .411 - .525, OPS .723 - .893). He made $825,000 last year and will want a raise, but I think a 2 year $2.5 million deal is worth it. He knows what it takes to play and win in Boston, plus he uses the Monster well. Look at it this way. For the money you would save on paying ‘Tek next year and signing Mirabelli, you could also sign Carl Pavano and Mike Myers. What’s worth more?

As far as Shoppach, this is do or die time for him. He has spent a full year in both Portland and Pawtucket. If he is going to make the big leagues, this is when he has to do it. It is not necessarily a bad idea to develop a player at the big league level. They can learn to adjust to big league pitching and the coaches at the top level are better. If he doesn’t work out, the Sox can always make a trade or try Andy Dominique, who also is a catcher.

That is all I have to say today. Maybe in the next day or so I will take on 1st basemen.

2004-11-23T10:28:00.000-05:00

According to the Boston Herald, the Sox have made an offer of four years, $34-40 million to Jason Varitek. This news comes right after the Brewers offered Damian Miller, who the Sox were looking at as a potential Tek replacement, a three-year deal that the Sox are not going to try to best. The deal still does not include a no-trade clause, so I guess we'll see how serious Tek is about working things out with Boston. You know what I was thinking the other day? I know that they don't want to give anyone a no-trade clause in part because it will automatically trigger a no-trade clause in Manny's contract...but after 2005 Manny will be 10/5 anyway, and will basically have a no-trade clause. Oh well, whatever.

Gabe Krapler has agreed to a one year, $2 million deal with an extra $1 million in signing bonuses to go play in Japan. Isn't that sort of like committing professional suicide? Personally I'm not exactly heartbroken over this news. Gabe Kapler was one of the only two players on the team that I didn't really like...the other being Derek "Gidget" Lowe.

And Pedro has gone completely fucking insane if he thinks he's getting a 4-year, $60 million dollar deal from ANYBODY.

2004-11-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

A QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT:
For the benefit of all three of my readers, I would like to introduce my friend Paulie, who will be contributing to this blog. I met Paul when he did his externship at the restaurant where I work, and we got on like a house on fire. Paul left Cincinnati last February to return home to his native Massachusetts, and since then we've kept in close contact via numerous late-night phone calls, not to mention the occassional visit. Paulie is one of the smartest people I know, especially about baseball, which is why I asked him to be a team mate on this blog. Because I have a tendancy to stray off topic and start making posts about giving Manny Ramírez mango juice spongebaths, I figured it would be nice to have help from someone who can make real insights about the game. Hence, Paul.
I have several embarrassing/incriminating stories about Paul that I may chose to divulge while Paul works on real posts about pertinent Sox information. Until then - or until the "Hot" Stove situation goes anywhere - I'm out.

2004-11-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Pedro and his mujer share their love of big, clunky sunglasses together while pondering new and inventive ways for Pedro to be an ingrate little bitch.

This shit is getting ridiculous.

Apparently the Sox have given in and upped their offer to Pedro - either monetary adjustments or they have added on a guaranteed third year. Meanwhile there are rumours going around that the Yankees have upped their offer as well (they made an inital offer? When did this happen?) to four guaranteed years. I mean, that contract is so ludicrous (yet so typically Yankees) that I almost wouldn't mind if it went down since it would probably end poorly for New York. But, like I said, that is all just conjecture. Supposedly these negotiations are supposed to be taking place in private. The Sox officials have expressed irritation over the information leaks, which leads me to speculate that it might be Pedro himself, via his agent, that is putting the word out in another pathetic attempt to drive up his price.

Theo should not be giving in to Pedro's little mind-fuck games. If Pedro really wants to go to the Yankees, then let him. There is a little phrase we coined at work for people that deliberately make bad decisions for themselves because they secretly want to be miserable and/or controversial: it's called making an "Achey Breaky Bad Mistakey." Pedro going to the Yankees would certainly qualify as an Achey Breaky Irreperably Damaging Mistakey, but if that's what he wants then so be it. I'm tired of hearing about the shit. Way to twist the knife in my fucking back, asshole.

Oh, and Manny's wife is prettier. So there.

2004-11-19T10:26:00.000-05:00

Ever been jealous of dirt?

Because today is my birthday (I'm 27, ugh,) I'm going to make a Top Ten list of Manny Ramírez fantasies I have had in 2004.

10. Turning a plastic kiddy pool into the world's largest creme brulee (vanilla, of course,) and wrestling Manny in it while he is clad in only the smallest and tightest of blue thongs with a strategically placed Boston "B." I would, of course, lose this match, and then promptly challenge Manny to a best-of-three series.
9. Administering a cool mango juice sponge bath to Manny after said wrestling match. (I have this thing with mangoes, I don't know what it is, but for me, this is the best of both worlds.)
8. Sharing a blunt with Manny while sitting on his leather couch watching, say, The Matrix on his impossibly huge plasma screen television while we keep track of the Sunday football games on the picture-in-picture, eat Trix right out of the box and wash it down with 40s of St. Ides.
7. Actually getting a response from that fan letter I sent him last year. Thanks for nothing, Manny.
6. Watching Manny ride a mechanical bull.
5. Listening to Manny do a guest color commentary during one of his hamstring-induced stints on the bench.
4. Getting to ride around in Manny's car - I bet it's tricked out as fuuuuuuuck. Again, this involves the use of illegal drugs. With the windows rolled up. (In Ohio we call that a "clambake.")
3. Dressing Manny up in cute pajamas with footys on them and tucking him into a bed shaped like a Corvette.
2. I can't tell you what this one is.
1. Watching Manny get presented with the World Series MVP trophy.

Hey, one out of ten ain't bad! Dreams really DO come true!

I was going to put something of real substance on the end of this entry, but fuck that. Bye.

2004-11-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble....
But if I stay it will be double
So darlin' you've got to let me know....
Should I cool it or should I blow?

There is pretty much only one truth that I can cull out of this whole mess - particularly the mess involving our very own Pedro J. Martínez - the Sox aren't going to play games with these people. (Unless it's EA Sports' MVP Baseball 2005, whose cover-boy will be none other than our very own Manuel A. Ramírez, but that's a different story.) Plans are in place. Value has been set. There isn't going to be any backing down. And perhaps we should be preparing ourselves for the inevitable: a brand new Boston Red Sox in 2005.

Varitek is still trying to work something out with the Sox, although unless he drops his insistence on a no-trade clause his effort can't be called serious. There is no way in hell Theo gives a 33-year old catcher a no-trade clause on top of a 5-year deal, no matter how durable said catcher has been. Who does Boras think we are, the Mets? There are already alternate plans being made, one of which involves the signing of Damian Miller of the A's, who ended the 2004 season at .272, 9 HRs and 58 RBIs. The Sox have also made it possible for Kellie Shoppach to play for the Escogido Leones in the Dominican League, getting him ready for a chance to try-out for a spot on the team in spring training. (By the way, Escogido sucks. Bad.) Shoppach is probably still at least a year away from being able to handle big-league pitching, and Damian Miller is, well, old, but could fit in nicely for a year or two while Shoppach catches up...particularly if Theo is able to land one of the Oakland A's pitching trifecta. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The situation with Pedro is, predictably, a lot more complicated. However repugnant I find the idea of Pedro flirting with the Yankees (and I find it very, very repugnant,) you have to give the guy this: he is one crafty, manipulative little mothafucka, and if I may quote Hannibal Lecter: "Aaaah, Clarice...It would really be something to know you in real life." So Pedro made the appointment with Steinbrenner, not the other way around. Which makes all the rumours of Pedro's lack of contract offers ring true. One minute Pedro is saying that he promises never to go to the Yankees right after he wins the World Series, which is vaguely like telling some chick that you love her after a particularly good lay, even though you've only been dating for two weeks. The next minute he goes and tells George Steinbrenner how much he would love to be a Yankee, which is vaguely like getting really bitter at the same girl for not calling you for a week and thusly hitting on her best friend or sister. What Pedro wants is for the Sox to sweeten the pot for him, or, more specifically, a guaranteed third year. And it wouldn't surprise me to see the Sox give into this request, although Pedro will have to make some concessions of his own, probably monetary...although a clause stipulating a ban on midgets might be in order as well. (Speaking of which, I had a nightmare about Pedro and Nelson the other night which was really fucked up and will be reserved for another post when I really have absolutely nothing to talk about.)

In any case, Pedro got together with Theo, John Henry and Larry Lucchino yesterday in a previously scheduled meeting. Word is that ownership is trying to get a feel for how serious Pedro is about remaining with the team before Theo returns home to have a meeting with Carl Pavano. The Sox are also keeping an eye on Brad Radke as well as feeling around for the possibility of trading for Barry Zito or Tim Hudson. (Think Damian Millar catching. Now it all makes sense.) Plans are in place. However smart Pedro and his agents think they are, they aren't going to catch Theo and Co. off guard.

The maddening thing about the whole Pedro-to-the-Yanks idea is that no one in their right mind (excluded from this category obviously is George Steinbrenner) wants this deal to go down. No one in the Yankees front office is interested in Pedro. No one on the team likes the man, no matter what Dumbo the Chinless Wonder has to say. Pedro doesn't really want to leave. The Sox don't want him to leave. But what if it really happened? What if Theo calls Pedro's bluff....What a fucked up scenario that is.

2004-11-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

So Pedro met with Steinbrenner.

It makes me want to puke into my own Nikes. Just the fucking thought...the mere idea of Pedro in pinstripes makes me feel physically bad. No shit.

But let's get this straight, Pedro. It's not because I still think that you're the team ace. If the Sox land Pavano or Hudson and resign you, effectively you would be a No. 3 starter. Schilling is the ace now, and we know it, and everyone else knows it. Ya, we can argue this point, but let's face it - let's be honest with each other here, papi - you ain't what you used to be. Which isn't to say that you're not still good, that you don't still have those moments where the hairs raise up on my arms and the back of my neck tingles because I know that when I just saw you throw that last pitch, I was watching true, real, badass mastery...but it's just not the same anymore. I mean, the D-Rays beat you...what next, the Mariners?? There are better pitchers than you in the world, but this isn't business - it's personal.

No single person on the team has caused me as much pathos as you this year, Pedro. The first game of the season, when you hit David Segui and then proceeded to go after the next guy's knees and I was out-of-breath stunned because it seemed like you had lost control - something I've never seen before. That game out in Anaheim when Vladdy owned your ass. That gem you pitched against the Twins. The opposing pitcher was Johann Santana. He had twelve strikeouts, you had eleven...it was like some torch was being passed. Fast forward to Game 2 of the ALCS...Tek kept coming out to the mound, talking to you...I wonder what he was saying. Nothing looked like it was coming easily, but you worked your ass off. You left your heart out there. Pitch by pitch, out by out, a Heruclean struggle, and usually you make everything look so easy, like the game is just a little errand you have to run before you get on to the rest of your day.

I felt like I was watching you lose it all......Only to turn around and watch you win it all.

Schilling might be the "ace" now. Whatever. For me, it's always going to be you, Pedro. You're the heart of this team. Schilling is just a hired gun. Sure, he's a great pitcher, but I'm never going to root for him like I do for you. I'll never have his baseball card hung up on my station. I'll never fantasize about seeing his number hanging over right field. Even if you have trouble ekeing out a win against pretty much any team in the AL East these days. Even if you ended up essentially a third starter. Even if your ERA is 5.90 next year. I don't care. You are ours and we are yours. You need to retire with us. Even if your fucking arm falls off and the Sox are paying you $14 million dollars a year to work the cash register at the souvenier shop.

Please don't go. I'm not asking. I'm begging. Please.

edit: Yet...I understand it. Pedro's agent contacted Steinbrenner and set up the meeting...does this mean that Pedro actually wants to be a Yankee? Probably not...more likely scenario: no one is expressing much interest in him after the deal the Sox offered and Pedro and his agent are merely trying to drum up business. Dude, just take the fucking offer already. You and your duct-tape-and-bubble-gum arm are not going to get a guaranteed three or four year deal at $14 million per, aight? Jeez.....Don't you fucking do this to me, Pedro!