The Boston Red Sox: Defenders of the 2004 World Championship!! "Whoever plunges into his experiences with the momentum of hope, will remember so that he cannot forget." - Soren Kierkegaard.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

If I were a star Major League baseball player:

1. I would have the sluttiest looking wife on the team who would dress like a trailer-trash prom queen at a roller rink birthday party and who would be shot full of more silicone than the entire region of Southern California. Not because that's my type of woman, but just because I could.

2. When I come up to bat they would play the song "Goodbye Horses" by Q.Lazzarus, which you may remember as the song from "Silence of the Lambs" during the pivotal Push-My-Cock-and-Balls-Back-Between-My-Legs scene, and to pump myself up for my at-bats I would look into the mirror in the dugout and scream at my reflection: "Would you fuck me?? I'd fuck me!! I'd fuck me so hard!!"

3. I would regularly beat the living shit out of the gatorade cooler, whether Mirabelli was sitting on it or not - ditto the bat rack and the post-game spread - even if I went 5-5 and hit for the cycle, in which case my destruction would be of a celebratory nature.

4. I would have a ridiculously gaudy sports utility vehicle filled with strippers, top-shelf vodka and pot smoke with television screens on the back of the headrests, spinner rims and a horn that played "La Cucaracha." I would have a huge mural of the Virgin Mary engulfed in an art-deco sort of wreathe of flames cradling a baby Jesus with my face superimposed on it painted on the roof and a chain-link license plate frame.

5. I would knock my wife up as often as possible and name every kid after myself.

6. My charity work would consist of allowing the kid in the hospital bed next to mine watch an hour of his choice in tv programming a day while I'm recuperating from minor injuries sustained in a drunk driving accident.

7. I would sign autographs only for women, and only on skin. I would sign the occassional man if I were drunk enough.

8. After a three-game series my hotel rooms would look like Keith Richards, Courtney Love and Jon Bonham's corpse threw a two-month cocaine orgy inside it, and I would sexually harass every member of the maid staff who walked within a thirty-foot radius of me.

9. I would spend plane trips farting in my sleep.

10. I would spend every single available milisecond of screen time I get adjusting my cup in some obscene, overly-elaborate ritual that would, at some point, involve me actually reaching into my pants while I am at a quarter squat and jiggling things around.

Oh ya, and the Red Sox lost 4-2 against the Twins today.