The Boston Red Sox: Defenders of the 2004 World Championship!! "Whoever plunges into his experiences with the momentum of hope, will remember so that he cannot forget." - Soren Kierkegaard.

Monday, February 28, 2005

What goes on in my head as I play endless games of MVP 2005 while putting off housework on my day off:

Orsillo: Hello everybody! It is improbably good weather for early April here in Toronto as the Boston Red Sox get ready to take on the Toronto Blue Jays. The sun is out, the Skydome is open, and the players are about ready to take the field. Red Sox skipper Terry Francona has announced that the Red Sox will be going with a 6-man rotation for most of April to give ace Curt Schilling an extra day of rest each week.

Remy: Ya, Don - even though Schilling was miraculously ready for the opening day victory over the Yankees in which opposing pitcher Randy Johnson got shelled like the beaches at fucking Normandy, Tito is still taking no chances. Schilling isn't exactly happy about it, but what can you do?

Orsillo: So Bronson Arroyo will be the starting pitcher today for the Red Sox, opposite Jay's "ace" Roy Halladay. Taking a look at the Sox starting lineup, we have Johnny Damon batting leadoff, Renteria batting second, Manny Ramirez batting third with Ortiz fourth at DH. We then have Varitek, Millar, Nixon and Mueller, with Bellhorn in the nine hole.

Remy: Manny is off to an absolutely incredible start this year, batting .567 so far, and Ortiz isn't that far behind him. Tell me, though, Don - what is up with Millar this season? He seems to have gotten skinnier and...well, black. Does anyone know that story with this guy? He's also been struggling with the bat a bit, too.

Orsillo: Jerry, no one knows why Millar showed up to camp this year as a black man, but the team is just rolling with it. Millar himself has been making fun of the situation, saying that he is the C.Thomas Howell of Major League Baseball, but players who have had the misfortune to be with Millar in the showers have said that it is definitely not body paint he is wearing, so who knows. As far as the struggles at the plate are going, Papa Jack has been giving Millar a little extra attention and expects him to come around soon.

Remy: Are we sure it's actually Kevin Millar? Has anyone looked into this? I mean, the resemblance just isn't there at all. I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of disturbing.

Orsillo: Don't you have a hotdog stand to open or something? Don't rock the boat, Jerry....And here's the first pitch of the game. Damon takes a weak hack at it and lines weakly out to the first baseman. Let's take a look at the Blue Jays defense.

Remy: Let's not. I mean, the Sox have cream-pied them the last two games - what's the point?
Oh ya, and this game is available in Spanish by turning the SAP function on your television. Buenos tardes, amigos.

Orsillo: Ahem. Right. Renteria flies out to centerfield, and here comes our 2004 World Series MVP, Manny Ramírez. Manny has been on a tear this spring, hasn't he, Jerry?

Remy: Absolutely, Don. I was talking with him the other day and asked him what he thought was the reason for his early hot streak, and Manny said: Krispy Kreme.

Orsillo: Well Manny obviously skipped his breakfast today because he just flied out to shallow centerfield to end the first half of the inning.

(later on, top of the fourth)

Remy: Well, Francona has to be reconsidering his decision about the six-man rotation now. Arroyo is out there with absolutely nothing. I mean he looks fucking terrible. He's got none of his pitches working. The Jays are only leading by one, but that is really not indicative of the garbage that Arroyo has been throwing out there.

Orsillo: Indeed, Jerry. Meanwhile, Halladay has been absolutely magical, setting the entire Sox lineup down in order.

Remy: They really fucking suck today. There's just no excuse for some of the at-bats they've been putting together. Well, wait a minute, they might have something going on here.

Orsillo: Renteria and Manny have both reached on basehits, and now here's Big Papi. He takes the first pitch outside for a ball...Halladay delivers the second pitch - and Ortiz got all of that one! It is way back to straight-away centerfield and gone! The Sox lead 3-1!

Remy: Well it's about time, Don. I thought Arroyo might just die out there on the mound, but let's see if he can get a little confidence back now that he'll be pitching with a lead...

(bottom of the fourth, two outs, Eric Hinske up to bat)

Orsillo: Arroyo looks like he might be settling in now. Here's the pitch - hit down the third base line! Hinske is off like a shot -

Remy: What in the hell is Manny doing out there, playing Simon Says? Run and get the fucking ball, you moron! My god, I've never seen anyone get a worse read off the bat in my entire career, Don.

Orsillo: Meanwhile, Hinske is heading for third! Manny's got the ball - there's going to be a play at the plate - Hinske avoids the tag and is safe with an inside the park home run! Unbelievable. Jerry, I'm not really sure what was going on in Manny's head just now but I'm willing to bet that it wasn't quantum physics.

Remy: To hell with this, Don, I'm going to get a beer.

(top of the fifth, one out, Bellhorn singles to right, Damon strikes out AGAIN)

Remy: Who the hell does Damon think he is, swinging at all these pitches, Shea Hillenbrand?

Orsillo: Actually, Jerry, Hillenbrand is on the Blue Jays now and is 2 for 2 right now with a single and a double.

Remy: Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick...

Orsillo: Here comes Renteria with Bellhorn on first - and Renteria CRUSHES over the centerfield wall! He saw the first pitch coming and just let loose. The Sox lead 5-2. Now Manny steps into the batter's box, no doubt with something to prove after his adventure in left field last inning. And Manny takes Halladay deep on the first pitch as well! That's back to back home runs, and the Sox now lead 6-2!

Remy: And to think that Halladay earned a Cy Young award over Pedro Martinez. That's like giving Lil Jon a Grammy for "Crunk Juice" instead of Alicia Keys. Unbelievable...

Orsillo: Wwwwwwhhhhhhat?

Remy: I said that was unbelievable.

Orsillo: Wwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhat?

Remy: I SAID it was UNBELIEVABLE.

Orsillo: Ooookaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

Remy: Hey Don, ever had a RemDawg? Cause if not, I got one for you right here, pal -

Orsillo: Sweet Jesus, Ortiz clobbered that pitch into the seats in left field for yet another home run off of Roy Halladay, making it three in a row! I can't believe no one has pulled the pitcher!

Remy: Someone zoom in on the Toronto bench...Grady, is that you?

Orsillo: The Sox are now ahead by five runs. Looks like we're going to get to see a game of baseball after all.

(later on, bottom of the ninth)

Remy: Well, Arroyo managed to hold on to the lead, which is amazing considering it looked like he left his stuff dead on a mattress at a Motel 8 this morning. He really had some difficulty early on.

Orsillo: Ya, Jerry, we've all been there. I'm sure you remember what it was like trying to do the color commentary after Pesky's last birthday party.

Remy: Oh yes, Pin the Bunny-Tail on the Hooker - how could I ever forget?

Orsillo: And Matt Mantei climbs the ladder on Rios for the final out and the Red Sox win it 7-3. The Sox now have a two game lead in the AL East, followed by the Jays in second place, the Orioles in third, the D-Rays in fourth and the New York Yankees in dead-fucking-last. It's almost too good to be true, isn't it Jerry?