The Breakfast of Champions.
Wow. Could this "Hot Stove" thing be any more of a bust so far? It's like showing up to a party at the exact time written on the invitation and then having to sit around in an uncomfortable silence while waiting for all the cool kids to show up. I mean, for God's sake, the Herald or the Globe or I forget who is publishing stories on how Theo hasn't returned Cabby's agent's phone calls. It's like, get some news or shut the fuck up.
Hmmm. Maybe I should follow my own advice.
Instead, I'm going to make a list of all the things I've imagined doing to Pedro Martinez lately, since he has decided to make a run at the Guiness Book record for World's Biggest Douchebag.
1. I would like to open the door to his house at like 8:30 in the morning when he's walking around in his fuzzy pink houseslippers with the latest edition of Redbook en Espanol tucked under his arm and just let like two thousand Chihuahuas who have just been gassed with aerosol methamphetamines stream in. Literally two thousand.
2. I would like to blare heavy metal at his house 24 hours a day like they did to Manuel Noriega in the 80's. Or was it Fidel Castro? I'm getting my Central American criminals confused.
3. I'd like to find him all curled up in bed all cute and snuggly and cherubic, and then I'd like to rip the covers off and fucking throw cold grease all over him, his princess canopy bed, and his My Little Pony sheets.
4. I'd like to hire Don Zimmer to deliver him a Strip-O-Gram.
5. I'd like to sit locked in a small closet with him and just blow cigarette smoke in his face in a very calm and deliberate manner. Even though I don't smoke.
I wouldn't actually do any of this stuff, in case any of you are thinking that I'm some sort of crazed stalker. But I think I have a right as a Red Sox fan and as a Pedro Martinez fan to be more than miffed about his recent douchery, and making light of it is better than laying in bed watering my pillowcase with tears. Plus everything is boring right now and I have nothing better to write about.
Here are three good cds that I've been listening to lately:
1. Spiritualized "Laser Guided Melodies:" It's the musical equivalent of eating 10mg of your favorite prescription painkiller, drinking four beers and then laying down in a nice hot bath.
2. The Brian Jonestown Massacre "Tepid Peppermint Wonderland:" One of the worst album titles I have EVER heard, but cool music none the less. Sort of like a hipster take on old psychadelic Rolling Stones, as the name would suggest.
3. Tego Calderon "El Abayarde:" Dude. I fucking LOVE Tego, which is kind of silly since he raps in Spanish and I can only understand like every fourth word, but I can't stop listening to it. I can't. I want to get his latest album "Enemy de los Guasibiri" for Christmas, but my mom will shit if I have her go look for some obscure shit like that so I'm going to have to find a copy for myself on the internet.
Um...is it March yet?
p.s. when i say "my mom will shit" i really just mean that i don't want to give her a huge pain in the ass by saying, "Hey mom, will you get me this cd by this obscure Puerto Rican gangsta rapper that I've never been able to find in any store in Ohio anywhere for Christmas?" I had to clarify this point because my mom reads this blog every now and then and I don't want to offend her. I love you, mama! :)